Dark Dreams of Endless Nights.
It’s there again, creeping around the edge of my vision, lying in wait for just that right time to come crashing in.
I can try to stave it off, I can fight it but I won’t win. All I can do is hold it back as long as possible and hope that this time it won’t be so bad, this time it won’t utterly consume me… though I know it will.
That darkness will fill me, chasing away all of the light that belongs in my life. My senses will dull, the world will fade out around me and before I know it I will be contemplating how long it will be before I can take that final breath.
It’s been building for a while now. My mood has soured and sleepless nights have left me irritable and unpleasant company. I stare moodily at my keyboard at work and count each minute as it passes, screaming in my head for the colleague who sits across from me to just stop talking.
Leave me alone, I need to focus on the fight. I can’t hold it back while distracted by you and your inane ramblings about your life, a life that at its worst can’t help but sound better than what I am dealing with right now.
I turn to alcohol and reckless pursuits. I know it won’t really help but it’s a distraction, something to occupy me and take me away from that insidious darkness forever lurking just out of sight.
My head pounds and my eyelids droop as I realise just how futile it is to fight, to try and avoid that darkness crashing in around me. So I embrace it. I play that music I love, those depressing songs that in my current mood aid me in my dreams of endless slumber and I dive down into the deep dark and hope that I make it out through the other side and into the light once more… though perhaps I really don’t.
The urge to weep comes upon me, a faint hope that perhaps it will provide that cathartic release that will get me through this. But I don’t, I can’t. Emotion seems so distant and I realise that all I am is emptiness. That which was me has drained away and I don’t think I will be able to find myself again.
It’s close to being over and how I long for that eternal sleep, free of doubt and worry, free of loss and despair, free of this miserable existence. My urge to keep fighting is fading and it calls to me, that sweet sharp pain that blossoms into some kind of feeling. Should I give in? Should I do it and feel something? Anything…
God! How I want to feel something other than this soul crushing weariness. My mind tells me that it will soon be over and if I can just make it through then things will improve. The world will fill with sound and colour, with life and even joy. I just need to wait, to hold on that little bit longer.
But it’s getting hard, so very hard. Each time it is taking so much more of me with it, needing so much more to get past it, more than I have to give.
Perhaps this will help. Writing this and being a part of creating something even if it’s never read. Maybe it will kick start that desire within me, that need to create and write. I hope so. I’m running out of reasons to climb out of the darkness and I know that one day soon, nothing will be enough.
The darkness will take me and I will stay forever locked in its dark embrace, unable and unwilling to leave until that final moment comes. In this moment, here and now. I hope that’s soon.
