A Surprising Place to Discover The Right Thing To Do

We were crammed into a hospital room when I finally spilled my guts to my dad.

Photo Credit: Toby Bradbury, Creative Commons

I’d been wanting to talk to ask his opinion for a long time now about a big decision my husband and I were in the process of making. But he’d just had open heart surgery and I had barely come up for air, after sinking into my fear of losing him.

This felt good. I needed his advice and now I could finally ask for it.

So I told him the story. Beginning to end. My husband sat next to me, filling in any details I left out. And it felt so safe, even crammed into that stuffy white-washed room; with the faint smell of chicken and fluorescent lights burning overhead.

My dad listened. He’s a psychologist. That’s what he does.

When we finished, we paused and took a breath, and looked at him. This was the good part. He was going to tell us exactly what to do. I just knew it.

“What should we do?” I asked.

“I know you want my advice,” he told us. “But you don’t need it.”

My heart sank.

I wanted so desperately for him to point us in the right direction or point out something we had missed. Whatever it was that made this whole thing seem so murky and confusing, I wanted him to make it black and white.

Instead he told us, “Sometimes, with difficult circumstances, there are only difficult answers.”

“I think you already know what to do,” He said. “Trust yourself.”

In a way, I felt bummed my dad wasn’t giving me the answers I was looking for. But at the same time, I also felt empowered and  honored. It was like he was saying, “Sure, I’ve lived more years than you, and if I saw any major red flags, I’d tell you.

“But you’re smart and capable all on your own. You need to learn to trust yourself.”

So I took his advice and did what I felt in my gut was the right thing to do. And you know what? Things didn’t fall apart like I worried they would.

In fact, they turned out pretty good.

They weren’t perfect, by any means, but they’re still unfolding and I’m still learning and growing and I’ll know even better next time.

I’m slowly beginning to trust myself.

I can’t help but wonder if this “advice” (or non-advice) is the best advice my dad ever gave me. It makes me want to give the same gift when others come to me asking for direction or input; and it makes me want to think twice before I ask someone to make a decision for me I should be making for myself.

“Should I quit my job?”

“Am I ready to get married?”

“Should I get a masters degree?”

“Where should I go to college?”

There is no better gift than learning to trust yourself, and that gift can only come with time and practice.

I just want to keep reminding myself: “Difficult circumstances only have difficult answers; and you have to learn to listen to yourself.”

If you’re facing a difficult decision right now and you aren’t sure what to do, let me give you some advice:

What I think isn’t nearly as important as what you think. Make the best decision you know how. Get feedback, sure, but also lean into your choices and to your consequences.

If you’ll stop for just a minute, you probably know the right thing to do.

Now you just have to do it.