Adverbs: Hate them? No. Distrust them? Absolutely.

Adverbs, those obnoxious little L-Y words used to modify verbs, are everywhere you look. From novels to cookbooks, annual reports to PBS artists who quite enjoy painting happy little clouds, amazingly and spontaneously.

Stephen King, in his book On Writing, says: “The adverb is not your friend.” I’d agree with that. They seem to be employed by timid writers who have no confidence in the verbs they’ve used. I’m as guilty as anyone, just read some of my early writing and you will see for yourself.

He closed the door firmly.

What? How about saying he slammed the door? A basic example, but as good as any, I think. “Firmly closed” seems to dance all around the word “slammed” like a lonely puppy. The door wants to be slammed, wishes it was good enough to be slammed. But it’s too timid, too insecure. Don’t be afraid. Slam the freakin’ door already! Shake the room! Shatter the windows, for hell’s sake! Let’m know you’ve arrived!

He slammed the door. You’re damn right he did, and he’d do it again. No fear.

The point is, adverbs make otherwise good writing less than what it set out to be. You may be thinking, “I’ve heard this all before, Mr. Canoe. Tell me something I don’t know.” To that I say, you’d be surprised how many authors let adverbs creep into their writing and don’t realize it, unpublished and published alike. It’s a mantra worth repeating.  “The adverb is not your friend.” Say it with me now. “The adverb is not your friend.”

Still with me? Okay.

“I hate you,” she stated forcefully. Blah.

He ran quickly. Bleck. What’s wrong with he raced? Nothing. Not a damn thing. And by the way, is there a way to run slowly? Oh yeah…he jogged. Pick a verb and let it stand with pride. (Notice how I didn’t say stand proudly?)

Now there are times where an adverb can be useful. (Dare I say necessary? Perhaps…) It’s up to the author to decide where and when. Just so I’m being clear, each time should be a conscious decision. And the questions, “Is it needed here?” and “Is the sentence stronger with or without this word?” should be asked every time. Even then the answer will be no more often than not. Break the rules at your own risk.

And never firmly close a door. Slam the bitch, I say. Slam it.

That’s enough for now.