Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1270 and slightly more recently in this Feedback Request has submitted a new revision, and craves your opinion.


When sixteen year old Skye Bryar is kidnapped and taken to an island in the middle-of-nowhere by her new classmate named Holt, she is relieved to discover that she isn’t crazy after all. [No need to hyphenate middle of nowhere. However, sixteen-year-old should have hyphens.] She has always believed that her emotions were controlling the weather, and now she knows the truth. She is part of another type of people, the Naturae, who can control the pure elements of earth, air, fire or water. [No need to tell us the Naturae are another type of people. We can figure that out from their element controlling power. Perhaps: She is one of the Naturae, a race of people who...] And their ruler, Mother Nature, is her birth mother, giving Skye immense power over all four elements. 

[I'm not crazy about the first sentence, as it suggests that being kidnapped is what tells her she isn't crazy. I've been kidnapped by the new kid and taken to a strange island; apparently I'm not crazy after all. Try: 

Sixteen-year-old Skye Bryar always thought she must be crazy, what with believing her emotions were controlling the weather. But then her new classmate Holt takes her to an island inhabited by the Naturae, a race of people who can control the pure elements: earth, air, fire and water. And it turns out their ruler, Mother Nature, is Skye's birth mother.]

Skye has grown up hidden in the human world from Mother Nature’s enemies, the Avarice, who have wanted to kill Skye since the day she was born. They know that she is the key to a dark revolution. The humans are killing the Earth, and with the help of her daughter, Mother Nature plans to put an end to the devastation of her planet for once and for all. The spilling of Skye’s blood as the moon rises on her fast-approaching 17th birthday will allow Mother Nature to harness her daughter’s powers and release a virus to kill all those with human-only DNA. Unaware of Mother Nature’s sinister plans, Skye settles into her new life on the island, learning how to control her powers, determining who she can trust, and struggling to understand why Holt keeps her at a distance despite their strong chemistry. And while she is enthralled by the magic around her, she is torn between this new world and the family she left behind. But when Skye discovers what Mother Nature has in store for humanity, she is faced with a horrific choice. Kill her own mother to save the humans, or help her mother save the Earth, and the Naturae, by extinguishing the human race. Or will the Avarice get to her before she even has a chance to choose sides?

[I don't see the Avarice as important to the query. The Avarice are doing what Mother Nature wants to do, namely killing off humanity. They're just doing it more slowly. A query doesn't need two villains, and Mother Nature is the one who needs to be stopped first. It's also not clear how Skye is the key to a dark revolution. If Avarice wants a dark revolution, and Skye is the key to one, why do they want to kill her? We don't know what a dark revolution is, anyway. I'd cut this paragraph down to:

Skye has grown up in the human world, hidden from Mother Nature’s enemies. But now Mom needs her. Humans are killing the Earth, and with the help of her daughter, Mother Nature can put an end to the devastation once and for all. The spilling of Skye’s blood as the moon rises on her fast-approaching 17th birthday will let Mother Nature harness her daughter’s powers and release a virus to kill all humans. 

Unaware of her mother’s sinister plans, Skye settles into her new life on the island, learning to control her powers and wondering why Holt keeps her at a distance despite their strong chemistry. Though she is enthralled by the magic around her, she misses the family she left behind. And when Skye discovers what Mother Nature has in store for humanity, she is faced with a horrific choice. Kill her own mother to save the humans, or help her mother save the Earth, and the Naturae, by extinguishing the human race.]

Are those the only options? Wipe out 7.3 billion people or kill this one person I met a month ago? Can't she come up with a virus that kills only those humans who refuse to recycle?

The other advantage of leaving the Avarice out of the query is that it's such a horrible name for the bad guys, an agent would toss the query on that basis alone.