Daydreamer and Nightthinker

“Why don’t you just give up?” You’re miserable as it is. Why not put an end to this continous battling with me and grinding your teeth against the pain?” I ask.

“I could, sure. Question is whether i will or not.” I try to reason with myself.

“Your suffering is yours to bear alone. But if you give in now, you shall not be that alone. Your demons will be there to hug you to death.” The other me continues.

“And yet, I know the moment I step through that door, the devil will not be ugly or scarred – he’ll be beautiful as ever, the feral desire beckoning me towards it, unhindered. How shall I stop then?” I ask myself, though I know I won’t get any answer.

“You’re living a lie. You think you’re leaning on walls that will hold. They’re thorns, continuously embedding in your side. That’s why you can’t reach the flowers.” The other me rages on. It’s a corrupted breathe beside my own. Doubt is the monster I battle with everyday, feel its sharp claws nagging at bare edges of my innocent conscious. Sometimes, I almost fall in its trap but something more powerful – more powerful than any devastating desire born in the soul of men – pulls me back up, Belief.

“I will not try to fight this pain or longing anymore. I’ve been too naive all along that I forgot to question why it’s here in the first place.”

“It’s deadly and addicting you know, this loneliness you crave. Give in to it and let go of those thorns.” the other me persuades me, its voice thumping loudly in the grey walkways of my mind.

“I’m tired, yes. Sick of this fighting. At times I feel like a void ghost of who I can be. This will not stop but neither will I.”

“There’s no use drowning your demons,love. They’ll only swim up to the surface again.”

“Let them. They may try to cut me with diamonds of Lust yet my sword of Belief will slice through their listless darkness.” I throw back.

“But you’re not the sun, you know.”

“And yet I’m a fallen star.”

“Fallen stars don’t make galaxies.”

“I have a glow none the same, always did. Just didn’t know how to bathe in it – until now. Some are born with a hard path, others are doomed. Me? I have none so I shall make one for myself and shine my way.”

“You know they’ll burn you, your fears and insecurities.” I feel the other me grasping for any remaining shred of darkness to cloak me under. It’s failing.

“They will try. But they don’t know I’m not the carpet ride but the howling wind making it fly.”

“What about when society chains you, darling? For you know that’s inevitable a challenge for us all.” I ask myself with more frustration than adoration.

“I will not resist but embrace the thorns, eat away the pain and dance beside ghosts of memories; for a caged animal only tries harder to escape.” I feel the hand of Belief empowering me within, a raw, hungry energy coming along with it. I like it, the way it offers my helplessness control. It’s a yearning to discover, be free.

“And when society does smother me, ” I continue saying to myself, “I shall simply swallow the anger and pain down so hard, it shall burn those hands from my neck, choking me.”

“What of your wild fantasies and dreams?” I ask myself rather mockingly.

“They’ll be my sole companions on the path I’ll walk alone. In the meantime, I’ll make clouds my wild ride and run in the forests of mystery. For the heavens bear testament I’m a fallen angel who can only fly when she believes in her wings to carry her rather than lets them weigh her down.”

“But you’re weak.” I feel the monster, Doubt, speaking in a dying voice where once before it was screaming.

“I choose weakness to be a disgiuse, anger and pain my greatest weapons, molded in the everlasting fires of Belief. I drink their embers everyday.”

The demons give up stomping in my hollow chest, taking leave for the day. They will return, I know. But I’ll be better prepared. Their black diamonds of Lust against my sword.

And in this moment, I don’t just feel infinite; every speck of Love is loud in me. I shut my lids and in the corner of my mind, I see this person standing across, watching Life pass by from the side walks. But this time, she is bathed in a glow only she can see. Others call her delusional. I call her faithful.