An Invisible Phoenix

3AM Thoughts (3) Perks of Being A Writer

An Invisible Phoenix

So I stand here with my memories peeling at the corners of my consciousness. The brittle love inside me spits and chokes on itself, desperate to breathe itself out.

You have a heart too young and a hope too naive.

Why can’t you take a grip of Reality and fade into the background?

“How shall I live then if I fade into the background?”

You call this living? You don’t know where you are headed. Spending your days at the expense of what you are supposed to do and not what you want to do – you call this living?

“We do what we can to help others.”

Have you ever tried fixing yourself?

“My broken parts and poisoned veins heal themselves up with the warmth of another’s smile, the sound of another’s tear falling…by the beating of a heart after it emerges out of aching.”

But you have lost yourself.

“My world ended a long time ago, yes. Yet I know I have the tools in me to rebuild myself a new one. Just need to find the key to that toolbox lying dormant within me.”

They’ll throw you in a landfill and step all over you. Weakness is a disguise, don’t you see that by now?

“When I loved, it washed me like thunder; when I ignited they put me out before I had the chance to melt my dead and cold insides; when I looked into their fiery eyes I was swallowed by Darkness from all sides. None of that, however, contradicts my belief in myself.”

How long shall you burn yourself up like this for others?

“As long as my Light wills me to, but even after I fade away into sweet smoke, the halo of that smoke shall guide others to a better place. You never forget who you are. Just because I am searching, doesn’t mean I’m lost. We are all searching. Sometimes, we are closer to each other’s halo than we officially realize. We burn in solitude yet hearts standing so close but not touching. And in that silence we are lighting each others’ way without knowing it. We long. Why would I be any different?

If you’re the howl of the wolf that claws at my wounds in the night then I eat away that grey pain and become the Phoenix, rising every night from my ashes. You don’t see me as I stumble and find my balance beneath the weight of my newly forming bones and feathers. Each night, I bleed and burn – just to be born again, to light my halo on a star close by me that I can’t otherwise see. What you kill isn’t my dreams and aspirations but my doubts.”