"There is an ocean betweenThe first time I said ‘I love you’And the last time I meant it.I left..."

“There is an ocean between

The first time I said ‘I love you’

And the last time I meant it.

I left that word buried

In the sand of a shoreline I’ve never seen

And took some time for myself:

To turn my life into a book

That didn’t read like unfinished emails

And grocery lists full of all your favorite foods.

I spent days

Scrubbing your name out of the grout

That lines the bathtub,

Shaking your dust out of my shoes,

Relearning how to spell my name

Without the letters tangled on your tongue.

It must have been

Months

Of waking up on your side of the bed,

And wondering where all this empty space came from.

I hope my teeth

Came tumbling out of your suitcase

The first time you said my name

To a friend in passing.

I hope I hung on like a remora

Until kissing her felt too much like

Sleepwalking down the stairs of our old apartment.

I hope bad dreams sent you out

To the beach

With a shovel and a good bottle of wine,

Digging through saltwater for proof

I ever even touched you.

While you go looking for that word,

I will be at home

In an apartment that looks nothing like you.

Drinking hot tea that tastes more like love

Than your mouth ever did.

And when you call at four in the morning,

Hands as empty as the bottle by your side,

I will be sleeping soundly,

For the first time

In a long time.”

- Speaking Of Love, by Ashe Vernon