Author versus Narrator Voice: Fighting First Person

In each of my high school English classes we had to write three main papers over the semester. A personal response, a non-personal response, and then one of our choosing. The personal ones were torture for me. They took me three times as long to write and four times as long to edit. I hated working on them. I hated handing them in. I hated getting feedback on them.

Really, I hated exposing myself.

So when I started writing short fiction in University, I stuck to the point of view I found most comfortable: third person. Throughout my writing career, I’ve stayed with third person as a kind of defence.

But as all writers know, some stories refuse to be written in third person. I bit the bullet and most of my short fiction turned into first person narratives. I found I enjoyed getting into my characters heads and letting them narrate. They were more connected to their circumstances than I ever could be, so obviously they were the ideal tellers of their tales, not me the “omniscient” story teller.

Like I ever truly know what’s going to come out on the page.

Now, as I write my first novel in first person, I find myself floundering. I originally started the story in third person, but by chapter three I knew it wasn’t working. My character demanded to tell her story in her voice. I had to oblige.

I’m still having problems with the story. I’ve narrowed it down to two main issues. One, being in my character’s head is problematic because she’s an emotional black zone for me. She’s too close to me in a lot of ways I find difficult to deal with. I’ve come up with ways to waylay this problem but I have yet to put theory into practice. Two, her voice won’t stay consistent!

I don’t notice this inconsistency until I go back and read what I’ve written. It’s embarrassing. I flip flop tenses and mix up pronouns as I slip into a kind of third person takeover. My voice does this, because I can tell the difference between her as the narrator telling the story and me as the author telling it.

I believe problem two is compounded by problem one. Totally immersing myself in her head is somewhat terrifying for me so I fight it. Third person is my shield. I’ve had that engrained in my brain for over a decade. And it’s habit to write from a distance.

Letting go of it is hard.

It’s funny and frustrating because I try to be personal when I blog and I have no issues with tense or voice. Throw me into my WIP and I turn into an editor’s worst nightmare.

I recently preped the first five pages of this WIP for my August workshop. The original pages were written in third person and they are so smooth. I think I’ve conveyed everything I want to in them –I can say that not having gotten feedback telling me otherwise yet. I actually did my first round of edits leaving it in third so I didn’t muddy it. The second round I changed it to first person amidst other edits. The whole process went so well I contemplated writing the entire manuscript in third and then changing it later -especially after I wrote one sentence and reread it so many times because the tense felt wrong. But right. But wrong. Finally I emailed it away because I couldn’t take the obsession anymore!

I know writing it in third than changing it later would be a huge time eater in the end, but still.

Has anyone else struggled with this inability to quiet the author voice and let the narrator have free reign? Am I worrying too much about this in a first draft? Am I overthinking this in my inexperience?

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