Neil and Ed Wharton! (Picture by Keith Robinson!)Neil: This is a...
Neil and Ed Wharton! (Picture by Keith Robinson!)
Neil: This is a long drive.
Ed: Yes it is.
Neil: You drive a lot don’t you?
Ed: Yes, I do.
Neil: Because you’re a lorry driver and you like to drive.
Ed: That is correct.
Neil: But you’re also a tourist.
Ed: That is also a correct thing, yes.
Neil: But not just a tourist, you’re a Tourist. I put a capital ‘t’ in there, did you hear it?
Ed: Yes I did and yes I am. Neil, are you, a bit like like the lorry we are currently sitting in, actually going anywhere with any of this?
Neil: I just wanted to introduce you in case anyone was wondering who you are.
Ed: Neil, there’s nobody else here with us to wonder any such thing. Unless Owen is hiding under the seat.
Ed: Owen isn’t hiding under the seat is he?
Neil: Ha ha no, of course not.
Ed: Check, Neil.
Neil: Yeah, I’ll check.
Neil: Nope, all clear.
Ed: Thank you. Pray continue.
Neil: Continue what?
Ed: Please get to wherever it is your inane questions are taking you before I show you how the passenger ejector seat works.
Neil: Uh, okay. You have a passenger ejector seat?
Ed: Neil, I am a patient man…
Neil: Right, right.
Ed: But even I have my limits.
Neil: Okay, I said! Sheesh. So, you’ve been all over the world and seen all sorts of amazing things and you were chased by a spectral hamster in France and nearly married a statue and used Thor’s hammer to nail a chair together, but what’s the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen? The most magical and strange and wonderful thing?
Ed: Well, Neil, that’s a good question.
Neil: Thank you, Ed.
Ed: Doesn’t make up for all the other stupid questions you asked, but never mind.
Neil: Shut up, Ed.
Ed: There was this time I was driving through a strange and foreign city. The streets were crooked and narrow, and the houses leaned threateningly over me, closing me in, blocking the sky. A fog came out of nowhere, blocking my sight, slowing me to a crawl. For endless hours I ground my way through a maze of ancient thoroughfares, lost and alone. No soul stirred in the grey gloom. Night was drawing in. I felt unseen eyes watching from the blank windows. It was as if I had wandered into some outer suburb of limbo, and would never find my way out. Suddenly the houses drew back. The street widened. The fog thinned. A blazing golden light flooded the world as the setting soon finally broke through the murk! And standing before me, a figure all in white, shining and glowing as if awash in a river of gold! One hand raised in a graceful gesture, as if reaching out to me, the other holding a staff topped with a majestic red orb that blinded me with a single word of command. I was compelled to instantly obey! I slammed on the brakes and the lorry jerked to a halt, and I stared in wonder as a line of tiny figures rushed behind her, too quickly to be seen. The figure stared at me in grave and noble silence, and I stared back at her, enraptured.
Neil: What… what was she? An angel? A goddess? A ghost?
Ed: A lollipop lady.
Neil: A - wait, a what?
Ed: Yup. School crossing. White coat. Big red sign with STOP written on it. Never so happy to see another human being in my entire life.
Neil: …
Neil: Yeah, okay.
Ed: Hey, did I tell you about the time I accidentally stole the Last Tulip from the Miser Of Macon?
Neil: Does it have hamsters in it? That hamster one squicked me out a bit. I didn’t know they could be so creepy.
Ed: Ummm, there are a couple of creepy hamsters in it, yeah.
Neil: Mmm. Oh go on, tell me anyway.
