The Top of the Staircase

“We rise to great heights by a winding staircase.” –Francis Bacon

Did I want to be like him?  Did I want to be him?   Or did I just want to have him?  Or are “being” and “having” thoroughly inaccurate verbs in the twisted skein of desire, where having someone’s body to touch and being that someone we’re longing to touch ae one and the same, just opposite banks on a river that passes from us to them, back to us and over to them again in this perpetual circuit where the chambers of the heart. Like the trapdoors of desire, and the wormholes of time, and the false-bottomed drawer we call identity share a beguiling logic according to which the shortest distance between real life and the life unlived, between who we are and what we want, it a twisted staircase designed with the impish cruelty of M.C. Escher.-Andre Aciman, CALL ME BY YOUR NAME

I like living at mom’s house but I know the days are numbered.  I check the mailbox every day and it’s nice to find a letter for me once in a while.   This time I got one from Mario.  I find his style of writing mysterious and curious.  And yet, I was confused because all of his previous letters had his surname ending in an ‘R’ (Boucieguer) and now it ends in a ‘Z’ (Boucieguez).  Did this mean anything like a possible revelation or opening-up of the real him?   I guess this is worthy of a postcard reply.   Mario wrote on a simple paper that was folded and had a pencil sketch of a lighthouse, a house, a seagull and the lonely seaside: Glastonbury, CT
July 26, 1989

Dear Michael, My self-respect is fading fast.   All I have is the memory of our first meeting, the view, the city lights, the night.  June 16th.   I wrote down the date so I will always remember.

Why has fate allowed our paths to cross?   Only time will tell.  In the meantime, I dream of the future. Sincerely,
Mario C. Boucieguez

I mailed another postcard to Paloma on July 27th:
7-27-89
Paloma,
I asked someone in my office to bring me some postcard stamps and they brought me 10 of these postcards with stamps imprinted ono them.   What  a dumb chick she is.  Oh well…I’m here at work and I was just looking at those two scenic postcards you sent me of where you live.   Is that the French Riviera?  I bet it’s expensive to live around there.   Is it?   I want to go!  

Your pants should be there in a few…I’m still waiting. Look…
Paloma, 1585 University Av, Brk….549-0181
La Paloma Restaurant, 1229 23rd Av…536-3218

…here are two restaurants (one in Oakland, one in Berkeley) that we’ll definitely have to dine at ‘if and when’ you come to the US again.  Later, Love, Michael

I loved the new card that Dorothy sent me.  She inspires and motivates me.  The image reminded me of one of my favorite songs by THE OCEAN BLUE called THE OFFICE OF A BUSY MAN: 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yr-p1JBTd4w Dorothy wrote:

7-27-89Michael,
Does this say it all?  A man who doesn’t want to be part of the corporate scene anymore?

The notes on the calendar are future appointments with MGM/PARAMOUNT/WARNER, etc. for January 23, 1990!   And you’re reviewing one of the contracts they want you to sign! Some days I know it can seem forever, but the time WILL pass and you’ll soon be soaring with the other eagles!   So, get out from behind that hat and continue to have fun, in other areas of your life, during this temporary period.   Love, Dorothy

Word is out.  My quest to move to Los Angeles is on overdrive.   I’ve submitted Pac Bell Directory Transfer Requests to Los Angeles.  I’m a shoe-in because I have submitted for Sales jobs as well as my current job which gives me the edge.  It’s sure to happen.   I’ve prepared my mom and I’ve said, “You know, this will mean you can escape to L.A. for weekends and see a new side of California, too!”
The move to L.A. will help with my quest to know myself and my identity.   I know it’s meant for me to travel this short distance.  I need to reach the door at the top of the staircase.

Dale Orlando wrote me from Florida, using a GARFIELD cartoon card.   Dale wrote me, requesting photo reprints from my visit to him earlier this month:
1989
Mike,
I’m writing to you because I would like to know WHERE ARE MY REPRINTS?   I have been writing to be ‘pleasantly surprised’.  Well?

So how are things with you?   I will admit I am in love with Mario.  So fucking what…no one wants me!   I hope you still want me to help you move to L.A. Please write back.   Tell L.B. (Laverne Butler) “HELLO”.
Love, Dale
P.S. I miss my stream of postcards from you.

I found this classic photo card (photo taken by Bruce Weber at the Copacabana Palace Hotel in Rio de Janeiro in 1986) and I hated to part with it but if anyone could have it...it would be Paloma.   I love the drama it implies as so many stories could be told from it.   Through my eyes, they're a couple amidst a major romance and they meet at 'the top of the staircase' to come to terms with their intense relationship.   And so, I sent the card to Paloma with a note included in her package:

July 29, 1989
Paloma,

Here are the pants you wanted.     I got an extra 34 x 36 and a 31 x 34 in BLACK for you, too.   Also, I couldn’t resist this little outfit for Jonathan.  I hope it fits him. Oh yeah….here’s a bottle of my private reserve wine and a SPECIAL Champagne bottle for the celebration of your new Residence.

Later, Love, Michael J Armijo
July 29, 1989When I see my niece, Holly, smile it makes me so happy.

I took a group photo of John, his wife, Sherri and the girls today.  They look like the perfect family unit.  I’m envious.  It’s nice to see.
“It is better for YOU to take responsibility for your life as it is instead of blaming others, or circumstances, for your predicament.   As your eyes open, you’ll see that you’re state of health, happiness, and every circumstance of your life has been, in large part, arranged by you…consciously or unconsciously.”-Dan Millman,
WAY OF THE PEACEFUL WARRIOR