hey so i met a guy at my job and we're like together now and one of common interests we have is reading cracked and like watching ocpd/the like and just i feel like i should thank you cause you're great and make good things happen in people's lives.

That’s great to hear! In accordance with state law, I now own fifteen percent of your relationship. You are of course welcome to buy my shares out (at tremendous personal cost, obviously), but in the meantime I look forward to being a part of all of the major decision-making processes that are in our collective future re: this relationship. Please fax copies of both of your birth certificates and medical records to my assistant Soren Bowie and he’ll get the paperwork started. Additionally, I can’t wait to see what you two cook up for next quarter’s All-Hands meeting, wherein you will present your five year plan to me and the rest of the board. An accompanying powerpoint presentation is not necessary but strongly encouraged. Please send whatever slides you have to Soren Bowie at least 24 hours prior to the meeting.

It goes without saying that, should you ever have a child, it will be named Daniel or another name deemed suitable by me (likely either “Lesser Daniel” or “Hamcat”).

Yours in Christ,

-Big Daniel