Let’s Talk about Magic Mike

Tomorrow is my book release. You probably already know that if you’re reading this blog post, unless I greatly underestimate my blog readership (Hi, Mom!). The book release stresses me out, so let’s talk about Magic Mike instead. Really, if you’ve seen Magic Mike recently you probably won’t even be able to focus on Ruby anyway. In the opening scene, Channing Tatum moves furniture with his clothes on. Ninety minutes of that alone might have been worth paying a buck at Red Box. Only a few minutes later, he started dancing with a screw gun and some furniture. And by dancing, I mean he pretended to make sweet sweet love to the furniture. I don’t think this film required much choreography besides commands like, “Thrust to be beat, Channing!” or “Hold that woman’s butt closer to your face.” I loved every second of it. I laughed so hard. Everyone should see it. I mean, three eighty-year olds, one of whom had a walker, attended the showing I went to. Besides being filled with total total hard body actors, Magic Mike XXL even has some feminist tendencies, part of the reason I think it is worth seeing, in addition to being a pretty sweet film. The first and most obvious way Magic Mike is feminist: the film gives women the opportunity to objectify men in the way we’ve been objectified since B.C. It’s our turn, ladies! The men have offered us Channing Tatum. It’s not like taking a turn at ogling is in line with feminist principles, but I’m not gonna say no. Steven Soderbergh offered up Channing Tatum and Joe Manganiello. Second reason Magic Mike XXL is feminist: It shows strippers giving equal loving to women of all sizes, shapes, and colors. Third reason Magic Mike XXL is feminist: The men transform from typical alpha male firemen and cops (at least in their stripper acts) to more sensitive roles (yogurt makers, hot grooms, and candy makers, and get this … healers. The biggest moment of the movie besides … insert joke about someone’s g-string…. was when Andre and Ken decided that strippers were actually healers (in the front seat on the way to the stripper convention, mind you). Strippers were put on this Earth to undo the damage done by badly behaved men. It’s so preposterous and funny, but it was sweet. I loved it. The only problem I had with the movie was Channing Tatum’s love interest. As far as I could tell, her character only existed so Channing could “heal” her like a sexy shaman in rip-off pants. All the good roles went to guys, except some awesome cameos by Andi McDowell, Elizabeth Banks, and Jada Pinkett Smith, which reminds me that I’m so relieved she and Will Smith haven’t gotten divorced yet. Thanks for saving one relationship for us, Hollywood!. Magic Mike XXL, obviously, is just a big showcase for hot actors, same as most other films. Now, I’m going to include a message just for Channing Tatum (in case he’s reading my blog): Channing, I hear that you want to talk to Roxanne Gay about her thoughts on the movie. If you’re interested, I’m also available. I’m probably a better option because I’m not famous and I could meet anytime.  Now, we get to the eugenics part of this post (unrelated to above commentary). I think population control is important, but even if we are at the tipping point where one more person would sink all of humanity, I still think that Joe Manganiello and Sophia Vergara should have kids. Same goes for all the other actors in the movie. I say this even though I legitimately think that human beings are probably the Chinese Crested Terriers of the animal world. If there is anyone watching Earth from afar, our vanity and self-absorption must be comical. Still, Joe’s probably the cutest one of all. He should have some kids asap. To sum up: Magic Mike XXL is definitely worth a watch. And my book is coming out tomorrow. I’ll let you know how that goes after it’s been in the world for a few weeks. Currently, I’m feeling like pretending it isn’t happening. I bet you already got that, though. Until next Monday, Sam