Top 7 Things Not To Do As A Tourist

 I live 15 min from a tourist trap - er - town. It's a haven for eccentric book characters! But it also raises a TON of irritations for us locals. I'm trying to look on the bright side and rather than July becoming the free-for-all "run over the tourist" season. I'm trying to write down what I see and use them to make layered characters that can make a reader chuckle - or grit their teeth.

I've compiled a list of tourist oddities to draw from ...

1. When you're proud of your - er - endowments - please refrain from attempting to imitate Pamela Anderson. Hike the puppies up, trade in the halter top for a heavy-duty elasticized brassiere and hide them under a baggy t-shirt. Please. Trust me. You'll be far more attractive.

2. When attempting to cross a crosswalk -- WALK! Don't stop in the middle of the busy street to take a picture of the sky. Or, as happened on Saturday, the cop car barrelling down on you with its lights going and siren blaring. Really. The sky will be the same sky from the sidewalk, and the cop probably feels like I do at the moment and isn't afraid of committing a hit and run on their way to rescue some poor soul.

3. Liquor may come in all forms, but don't imbibe all at once. And, if you do, try to avoid hitting on me. It's really hard to keep from slugging you. I am a naturally assertive and direct individual who tries very hard to summon the 3% of sweetness buried deep in my soul. You, dear drunkard, make it difficult to find that 3%.

4. Sunglasses the size of Mickey Mouse's ears scream "tourist". You may want to try to blend in. But then, maybe you like to make a statement and perhaps I'm being far too critical. I just hope you realize you took a wrong turn somewhere and this really isn't Disney World.

5. Stay away from my Starbucks. It's mine. Plain and simple. Stay away.

6. Not everyone wants to SEE your 6-pack abs morphed into a middle-aged pouch. Please men, cover up. Along the same vein of women and modesty, I am Baptist by roots and truly, too much skin is ... well ... too much skin.

7. Drivers ... when the light turns green. It means go. Plain and simple. Go.

I sound bitter, don't I? I am working on the whole "grace" part of my personality. It doesn't always come naturally. Honestly, I probably am quite abrasive at times. Do you have problems with People Patience? It's something I'm working on this tourist season.

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Jaime Wright -
"The Cowgirl's Lasso", Coming 2016, Barbour Publishing

Spirited and gritty turn-of-the-century romance stained with suspense. Youth leader. Professional Coffee Drinker. Director of Development & Associate Relations and specializes in sarcasm :)
- Represented by: Books & Such Literary Agency

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