Self-judgement

I dont know if any readers have kept any of their old school or student essays. I certainly have some of my student ones, which I come across from time to time. I can't actually remember where they are, but they are somewhere deep in some cupboard that I penetrate occasionally when I am having a major search for some lost item.

The odd thing is the varied reactions I have to them. Sometimes, I look one over and am ever so impressed by what I once knew (more by the knowledge than the argument, it must be said). Sometimes, I blush with embarrassment at the naivety and errors. I expect it's more to do with my mood than the essays themselves. But one thing's for sure, at a distance of 40 years they appear either excellent or hopeless, never in between.

For me, that's a bit like going through the new book in response to the copy editors suggestions. The truth is that I did more or less finish when I said I was going to ... and have moved on to reading through everything again. I should say that I am not the kind of girl to get cross with copy-editors. I have worked with the excellent Juliana before and I reckon that I agree with her on about 80% of her suggestions and corrections, and on the 20% where I don't she usually makes me think again.

But the experience of reading the stuff through in a different format makes you see it differently -- a bit like those old essays. You love some parts in a different way, and you feel sheepish about other parts in a way you would rather not. And, of course, you spot the kind of half errors you would rather you hadn't made.  I have not found any crass errors, but I have found a few things that are less right than I would like them to be. And I wonder how I ever managed to write the word "parade" three times in the space of four lines beats me.

 And in the interests of total disclosure, I should say that I am writing this in Italy, at the end of a thirteen hour day, and after a campari spritz