The Life and Thoughts of Shaun Pascal (excerpt)

BCasper01@yahoo.com
Copyright © 2008, 2010 N.S. Ugezene
http://stores.lulu.com/NSUgezene

"Ya' know it's about havin' that Dipset fuckin' attitude/chicks get mad at you (duck em' yo). You lookin' for a wife (don't fuck a ho). All a nigga' can do is try/don't be so quick to say, “Bye, bye, bye.” I'm schoolin' em wit' that JT/get out tha' doghouse by purchasin' Maybelline. Now I'm gone flip it. Still lookin' to shine this lil' light of mine/no I'm not Jay Pharoah makin' fun of how Juelz and Cam supposedly flow in nursery rhyme. But I be Holy macaroni, leavin' folks weak links and boney. Ask them who's bout to make an impact/it's Pascal. R-U-N? Or R-U-Out? Not in then close your mouth. Not tryna' to hear you tryna' talk me down cause you don't wanna' see me win. My brah knows what I mean when I say this/nigga' you a P.I.N (pussy itchin' nigga')....”

Morland was in the room with me and was monitoring the track. I stood behind a partition. The mic was filtered for pops and de-essing was achieved by mounting the mic two feet behind the partition. What I had to do was maneuver to create a live feel to the song since this was to be a high energy type of track.

"Get the phone!" Morland stated. “We need it quiet in here. “

Morland's half brother, Anton, hurried to answer the phone. Anton ended up answering and quickly hanging up. “I don't know who was calling,” he said. “It's an area code I don't know,” he whispered to Morland.

There was a knock on the wall. Morland's homey exited the room. It was a good thing that panels had been placed in various parts of the room. Morland and I had tested the positioning of the panels for half the day, trying to get the best results possible out of this non-studio environment. This was a step-up from our earlier recording sessions since we didn't go with any paneling then. We use to sit in the middle of Anthony's living room recording. He'd be the one putting the extended mixes on tape which did produce clarity but also tape noise and hissing, plus it was hard to sequence and edit using that recording method.

Morland's homey came back in the room.

"You gotta' come back another day. I have to bounce," his homey told me.

"Aiight." I wasn't happy at all. I deleted my recording and gathered all my materials and then left. Morland stayed.

Two guys were walking up when I left. I got in my car. "Man yo. What the fuck?! I'm tired of the fuckin' bullshit. Can't ever get shit done with this music shit."

All that effort for shit to get all thrown away. I fuckin' hate these hatin' ass niggas'. Nigga' was probably mad cause I told him he has to develop his skills first.

It wasn't on no mean tip either. It was honesty that I think this dude let consume enough to act funny wit' me. On the low, Morland admitted the dude was trash and that was his homeboy!

I checked a new voicemail that I knew had come through during what I thought was going to be the laying down of a nice ass track, but no luck or justice was served.

I deleted the message. "I'll call her later. She ain't helping me. She can't even send pictures."

I'm about to find somebody new anyway so forget L'Ondiah. Damn her. She ain't nobody. Three months of pain. What the fuck was I spending all that time having lack of focus over a person so into pleasure that they'll leave their so-called loved one out in the cold? But this can't go on forever. I have to get back to having high confidence and enjoying life. I can try not to hold a grudge and try to be civil, but is that going to work? You can't even believe in family. They treat you like you owe them but don't wanna' do shit for you. Family is just a bunch of bullshit. My friends have had my back more than my family.


Back at home, I was having writer's block. I was planning to enter various writing contests but I was jolted at this time, feeling like I was losing grip on my thoughts and emotions. The stress of not getting much done might have been eating away at me and I couldn't reverse anything going on at all. I had to find my route but how could I? I had a skeptical nature that did me in even though I thought it wasn't but by not taking changes, I wasn't going anywhere...but I couldn't convince myself that I was too tentative for my own good.

My train of thought was halted by the doorbell but I re-engaged quickly because I didn't answer the damn door.

Ok. I won't ignore the fucker who is at the door...sike! Fuck them right now!

"Who is it?"

"Hi. My name is Irena. I was just--"

I opened the front door. I didn't unlock the screen door.

"Yes, I was just passing through the neighborhood trying to get signatures for a petition."

"What is this petition concerning?"

"It is so that the roadways get revamped at least every 3 to 5 years."

“I am pretty busy right now. Could you come back some other day?” I said hinting irritation.

“Ok. Have a nice day. Thank you!”

I can tell that she was annoyed but I didn't want to be standing at the door for longer than I felt like doing so I had to be an asshole, a jerkoff, douche bag, whatever people want to call it.

My brain went on a long commercial break and I couldn't think of shit. I had to lay down to think of ideas. When I have to lay down just to think, quite frankly, I am out of it but fight through being out of my element piece by piece. It feels nice to relax but I am still tortured by the freeze of my thoughts.


Adante had errands to run. He was back in Cali after doing some traveling as required by his job. He needed someone to take over the payments for his apartment because he had more traveling to do after his brief break from work. He had come to me to ask if I could make the payments and I was thinking to myself, “Why is he asking me this shit when I have explained that I can barely afford to make payments on a cell phone?”

The first stop that Adante made was to the cleaners. Adante is the type that makes you wish to never hop in the car with him to go anywhere. He takes a long time to get his errands completed and the nigga' makes a list every time. I thought lists were supposed to help you complete things faster. He's proof that making lists don't work.

After the cleaners, Adante made a stop to visit one of his female friends. I have been on a number of those missions with him, many I wish I could take back....boring!

One of his female friends has a sister I tried talking to but that went nowhere because she was in her own element, kind of eccentric yet hood with hers. Asantia always had to be some place. She annoyed me by always needing me to drive her around. I was more of a chauffeur than a potential boyfriend.

Adante walked to the door and rang the doorbell.

"Who is it?"

"It's Adante.”

"Oh ok. Let me get Pernisha for you."

Her mother called her to come to the door. Pernisha opened the door and hugged Adante.

"What up Pernisha?" Adante smiled.

"Yeah. Had to double up. Ya' know?"

"Nah. Not really." Pernisha laughed and hit Adante playfully.

I used to think they fucked at least one or twice. I don't see how it could be purely platonic when Adante would mention Pernisha's ass and how he'd like to wax it one good time but I think they've gone at it before and not just once.

"Whateva' hater."

"What you wanna' do, nigga'?" She started to shuffle around and put up her dukes.

They were messing around and playfighting while I was sitting in the car. I don't like to get out because Pernisha starts talking to me, asking if I can cart her some place just like her sister. Must be a sister act or somethin'...

Adante grabbed her but let her go quickly once she pressed her booty up on him.

Hmm...no comment. I know Adante is wishin' he could tap that right about now. But I'm pretty sure he knows what it feels like to be behind that. Lol.

They started to have a conversation which detailed past moments. They talked about when Asantia and I were talking or whatever the fuck that situation was. I have no clue. It wasn't like I got to hit it and Asantia wasn't attractive to me anyway. Her personality wasn't going to draw me in either. I mean, she had ass but still, I couldn't do it if she was the last woman on Earth. In my mind, I'd have to be drunk to do it. It would be so hard to stop myself then and hopefully, I'd be too drunk to have any damn balance.

"Asantia said that he was boring to her."

Pernisha responded. "Well, I don't know. Pascal doesn't really say much. He seems like he doesn't like to be around people."

That depends. If I got respect for you then it's all good. If I like you, I might be all into what you have going on, just not in a talkative way.

"It's not that. He just doesn't let anyone in his space easily. It takes time for him to open up."

"Hmm. Sometimes he has a certain way that he'll look at you and you wonder if he doesn't like you or sumthin'. Like, what I do to you nigga'? Shit."

They laughed.

Some people need to give you a reason to like them because they talk too much when you first meet them and you sense they have something to say about you when you're not around. It can be different when you are around and they might play a role where they seem to be cool with you. But it's the same shit most people know. I've been tired of knowing that's the way it is.