Goblin Stories XV

“I just want to go on the record saying I don’t know who these people are or why they want us dead, and that kind of annoys me,” Campots said. He ducked behind a tall, leafy tree on the top of a hill with Thipins following him into cover. Arrows hit the tree and the powdery dirt on the hilltop. Campots looked at his fellow goblin and said, “I hope I don’t sound petty.”

“Not at all,” Thipins reassured his friend. “It’s been on my mind, too. Usually we get more warning before a group this big comes after us. Sometimes there’s even some kind of justification for the whole thing. But this time, poof, crazies coming out of the woodworks, no warning, no reason.”

“It’s a thing with me,” Campots continued. “Somebody tries to kill me and I want to know why.”

Thipins patted him on the shoulder. “We all have our little quirks.”

The two goblins were in trouble, but for a change they weren’t alone. Four other members of Overlord Joshua’s forces were trying to hold the high ground overlooking the Not at All Magnificent Teal River. The name said it all. The river was so shallow that the attacking humans were wading across it. Once they got to the other side they’d have to climb a steep, grassy hill defended by the two goblins and their compatriots. That would be a daunting challenge, but what these screaming humans lacked in organization, heavy weapons and basic hygiene, they more than made up for in numbers.

Campots took a coil of rope off his shoulder and tossed it over a low hanging tree branch. “There’s got to be two hundred of them. Don’t these people have jobs?”

“I’m thinking no,” Thipins replied. He caught the rope and pulled it down, then pulled it tight and tied it to a second nearby tree. The rope got caught on the short spikes growing from his shoulders, but he pulled it off without much damage. With that done he stopped to study the approaching horde of men. “I see a couple army uniforms in the crowd, but they’re thread bare. I figure those guys are army deserters. The rest of them? No idea.”

“And the weekend started so nice,” Campots said as he set a trip line. The turquois blue skinned goblin wiped sweat off his brow and frowned. “We got to play with Joshua before his nap, our side was doing good for food and money, and then these guys had to show up.”

“It’s just one of those days,” Thipins told him.

Life in Overlord Joshua’s army had been going surprisingly well. Joshua’s army had grown to include a hundred dangerous men, women and miscellaneous things devoted to the cause of world domination. They’d picked up five hundred lesser but still competent warriors. Local peasants fully supported them, not surprising given how dysfunctional The Land of the Nine Dukes was. They’d seized plenty of territory and fought off the armies of Duke Edgely, Duke Thornwood and Duke Kramer. In all honesty that was less of an accomplishment than it sounded, since Duke Kramer and Duke Thornwood had been more interested in fighting each other than Joshua’s army. Once they were done beating on each other it hadn’t been hard to drive them off.

But holding so much land against so many foes required building fortifications to guard it. They didn’t have the time, money or materials to do so, which meant they had to patrol the territory to detect and destroy incoming enemies. It was Thipins’ and Campots’ bad luck that they were part of the patrol that ran straight into an invading army, identity unknown. The two hundred men were armed with swords, shields and a few bows, with most wearing regular clothes or leather armor, too dangerous to attack. The goblins and their allies had pulled back to defendable ground and tried to stay hidden while some of their members went for help. Unfortunately the enemy had seen them and was coming fast.

Twenty feet to the goblins’ left stood Sebastian Thane, the sole wizard serving the Overlord Joshua. His silk clothes were a bit worse for wear and his blond hair whipped in the wind, which together with a scowl made the youth look a bit less boyish. Today he was proving his worth by casting a dizzying array of fire spells at the oncoming horde. Illustrating that point, he cast a spell that created fire serpents wrapped around both his arms.

“Where do you need them?” Sebastian asked.

Vasellia the swordswoman pointed to a group of men nearing their side of the river. She was the best armed and armored person on either side, with chain armor and a steel helmet, and carried a long sword wood shield. “Let that group through and we’ll deal with them. Force back the men coming in behind them so they can’t support the first bunch.”

“I never argue with a lady,” Sebastian said. The fire serpents flew through the air and struck the second closest group of advancing men. The men cursed and backed away as the serpents came down on their heads. The nearest group didn’t try to help them, instead pushing on and climbing out of the river.

Their remaining two friends were Smile and the werewolf Kretchner. Smile was not quite right in the head even by goblin standards, but the grinning man in blue never backed down from a fight no matter the odds. Kretchner was currently human since it was broad daylight (and nowhere near a full moon even if it had been night), but the dark haired man was equal to five men even with just street clothes and a sword.

“Good bunch,” Thipins said.

Campots looked behind them. “I like them, too, but I’d kind of like the rest of the people on our side to show up. When’s that going to happen?”

“Soon,” Vasellia promised. “We just have to hold them back until reinforcements come.”

The lead group of enemies began to climb the steep hill. That didn’t go well. The tall dry grass hid many obstacles both natural and artificial. One man grabbed a branch sticking out of the ground, only to find out the hard way that it was the trigger for a deadfall trap. Fifty pounds of rocks and dirt poured down on him, and he went tumbling back down into the river.

“That was a bit of good luck,” Sebastian said.

Thipins looked at the wizard and folded his arms across his chest. “Luck had nothing to do with it.”

Sebastian smiled. “Ah, some of your work then. Nicely handled.”

“You haven’t seen nothing yet.”

The lead group set off three traps in rapid succession that brought them to a grinding halt less than halfway up the hill. The few men still standing fell back to the river and took cover behind a large rock. They set off another trap there that knocked two of them into the water.

“You idiots!” Vasellia screamed. “I wanted to take them out, not drive them back. Now they’ll regroup with the next enemy squad and come after us together.”

“Yeah, that will work,” Campots said sarcastically. “Me and Thipins were doing stuff while you were busy sending runners to alert Joshua. The first fifty guys coming up that hill are going to regret it.”

“And what about the other hundred fifty?” she snapped.

Thipins shrugged. “Ideally they’ll figure out coming after us isn’t smart. “If not, we fight them off if help arrives and run if it doesn’t.”

“Oh pish tosh, Vasellia, let the boys have some fun,” Smile said. Grinning like a maniac, he pointed his spiked gauntlets at the approaching men. “It’s been a slow couple of weeks. The Nine Dukes haven’t even tried to push us back lately. It’s boring! This is just the kind of exercise we need.”

“Am I the only one taking this seriously?” Vasellia asked.

“I am,” Sebastian said.

Kretchner kept his eyes on the enemy. “Flirt with her another time, lover boy.”

“I’m not flirting!”

Thipins nudged Campots. “He is so flirting with her.”

Campots smiled and pointed at the swordswoman. “Hey, I think Vasellia is blushing under her helmet!”

“Cut it out!” Vasellia pointed her sword at the oncoming horde and said. “We are going to die if we don’t work together. No more backbiting, no more insults, no more surprises.”

Thipins rolled his eyes and sighed. “Totally unreasonable. Fine, little miss rulebook, there are twenty more traps on the hill. Most of them just knock people back to the river, but a few are kind of nasty. Blame Campots for those one. He’s in a bit of a mood lately.”

Ashamed, Campots admitted, “Nearly getting killed does that to me. I can’t help myself.”

Sebastian raised a hand and asked, “Excuse me, but I’m a bit unclear on who we’re fighting. They don’t wear the colors of any of the Nine Dukes. Are they mercenaries?”

“I was wondering that myself,” Campots said. “My theory is they started out as a barbershop quartet and things went horribly wrong.”

Thipins clucked his tongue. “Oh isn’t that always the way it happens.”

“I see a flag,” Kretchner said. He pointed to the rear of the enemy horde, where a man swung a flagpole instead of a weapon. “It’s a red crown dripping blood on a white background. Anyone see that before?”

“That’s a new one,” Smile said. “Disturbing imagery.”

The horde stopped by the river as the first group fell back to join them. The men seemed confused by the threat they faced. It was a small group opposing them, but one well armed and determined. Someone in the back of the group shouted orders and the horde pressed on in a dense cluster with their shields raised.

“Sebastian, focus on the left flank,” Vasellia ordered. “Slow them down so the right flank comes in ahead of them. Kretchner, Smile, you’re with me at the front. Stay in cover until the enemies are right on us or their archers will pick you off.”

“Yes, mother,” Smile said.

“What about us?” Thipins asked her.

“Stay out of the way.”

The enemy horde crossed the river and began up the hill. They got ten feet before they began setting off traps, and their dense formation made it worse. Men were knocked back into the unlucky fools standing behind them until enemies went down like dominos.

“Stay out of the way?” Campots asked. “Hey there, missy, you’re looking at the first name on the signup sheet for Joshua’s legion of doom.”

“He has a point,” Smile said.

“Fire in the hole!” Sebastian shouted. He cast another spell and sent more fire serpents into the oncoming horde. The men couldn’t fight well on the steep slope, and the serpents did a lot of damage before they were cut to pieces.

Thipins tugged on Campots’ sleeve. Pointing at the oncoming horde, he asked, “About how tall would you say those men are?”

“Mmm, five seven, five eight tops.” The two goblins adjusted the ropes they’d set at the top of the hill. The horde came closer, but it was looking thin with so many men knocked back. They’d lost a third of their forces already. Most of those men weren’t hurt badly and would eventually rejoin the others. Instead of waiting for them, the enemy horde pushed on regardless of the huge gaps in their lines.

Vasellia ran over to attack the first enemies to reach the top of the hill, which was close to Thipins and Campots. She’d nearly reached the foul smelling men when Thipins tripped her. She fell flat on her face and twisted around to give the goblin with a murderous stare. Twenty enemy troops reached the top. One raised a sword and shouted, “For the Fallen King!”

Then he took a step forward and hit a trip line. A heavy log swung between the two trees, missing Vasellia on the ground. It hit the man in the chest with such force that it threw him in the air, and the log went on to hit the next three men behind him. All four went flying into men coming up behind them, creating a chain reaction that sent thirty enemies rolling down the hill.

“You could have just told me,” Vasellia told Thipins as she got up.

“I could have,” Thipins agreed.

The few men who reached the top of the hill ran into Kretchner, Smile, and Vasellia. Kretchner howled and waded into them, striking with a ferocity that shocked his enemies. Smile broke out laughing as he fought, and the crazed look in his eyes made more than a few men fall back without even trying to attack. Vasellia held off three men at a time and kicked one in the stomach hard enough that he doubled over and rolled off the hill.

The horde fell back to the bottom of the hill in disorder. Many of them lost their footing and rolled down, but few were hurt badly enough to keep them down. Officers shouted commands and kicked men too slow to get up off the ground. It took a few minutes, but the horde prepared to advance again.

“Stubborn bunch,” Kretchner said.

Thipins watched in amazement as they came up again. “Geez, these guys just don’t learn. What do we have to do knock some sense into them?”

“For the Fallen King!” an enemy officer shouted. “No retreat! No surrender! No mercy!”

“I’m pretty sure someone already has a copyright on that slogan,” Campots said. He drew a knife and cut the ropes suspending the log between the two trees. Once it was down, he and Thipins rolled it down the hill. That was enough to send the horde fleeing, but once the log rolled passed them they went back up.

“Fallen King?” Smile asked. “I think I’ve heard of that idiot. I thought he and his army of losers were a hundred miles west of here.”

Vasellia cursed under her breath. “I met the man before joining up with Joshua’s army. He’s a playboy with a vicious streak, the kind of man who laughs when people get hurt and bets on dogfights. His army’s been growing fast if his reach has extended this far.”

“We don’t have long before they’re here,” Kretchner said. “Run or fight. Make a decision now or it’s fight by default.”

Thipins watched the enemy horde trample the dry grass. They’d flattened it pretty well the first time they’d come up, forming a dense mat of…dead, dry grass.

“Sebastian, set fire to the hill!” Thipins shouted. Sebastian looked back at him, not understanding the request. Thipins pointed at the short grass they stood on and the taller grass down the hill. “Set the grass on fire. If you burn it all at once you’ll get them for sure.”

Sebastian looked between the hill and Thipins. He shrugged and said, “What have I got to lose?”

With that he spoke arcane words and clapped his hand together. He spread his hands again and a cloud of burning butterflies poured out from between his palms. There were hundreds of them, each one eight inches across. The fiery butterflies spread out, flapping their wings and flitting about high in the sky.

“They’re beautiful,” Vasellia said reverently.

“Totally flirting,” Campots said.

“I hear wedding bells,” Thipins added.

The enemy horde stopped when they saw the cloud of fiery butterflies approach. The butterflies spread out even further before they came plummeting down. Each one exploded in a shower of sparks when it crashed. The sparks didn’t hurt anyone, but it was enough ignited to the dry grass.

The entire hillside went up in flames as men screamed in terror and ran down the hill. Most of them lost their footing and rolled into the river, often times knocking over their more surefooted companions. The flames went out in a few minutes when the grass burned away, but the damage was done. The men of the Fallen King had been driven off so many times and many of them were so battered and bruised that they weren’t going to try again. An officer shouted at them to stop retreating, but they ignored him and fell back beyond the river.

“We did it!” Thipins shouted. He and his friends jumped for joy. Smile broke out laughing and slapped his sides. Kretchner sheathed his sword and smirked, as much of a celebration as he would allow himself. Sebastian hugged Vasellia, which the others let go without comment just this once.

“Win one of the good guys!” Campots cheered. He stopped and tugged on Thipins’ arm. “We are good guys, right?”

“Better than most,” Thipins told him. He watched the enemy horde retreat farther and farther, near to the horizon where he saw it.

“We lost,” he said.

“What?” Vasellia asked. The others stared at Thipins in confusion until he pointed at the horizon. The horde was not retreating in disorder, but was falling back to a much larger force barely visible on the horizon. This new force darkened the land with their overwhelming numbers, and it was heading straight for them.

“I thought that was a raiding party,” Vasellia said. “It wasn’t. That was the forward guard to their army. God save us, there has to be ten thousand of them.”

“Ah crud,” Campots said. “We can’t stop that many even if everyone on our side showed up.”

Vasellia sheathed her sword. “We’re pulling back. Leave anything that would slow you down. Sebastian, torch the place. Make sure they get nothing but ashes from this victory.”

Sebastian looked nervous. “I hate to disappoint you, but that last spell was everything I had. I’ll need days to recover from using so much magic.”

Vasellia growled something under her breath and led the others away. They headed into a light forest toward their own forces. It would take hours to reach the nearest friendly camp of Joshua’s men and days more to gather their forces. What they would do after that was open to debate.

“There’s something I don’t understand,” Campots said to Thipins as they fled. “How come their secret organization got together thousands of guys and ours only got hundreds?”

Thipins looked over at his fellow goblin and said, “Because we have standards.”

A second later Thipins ran straight into a tree and knocked himself out cold. Running in a forest without looking where you’re going will do that to you. Campots and the rest of their team stopped around Thipins.

Vasellia looked at the little goblin and pointed at Smile. “I’m not carrying him.”