Independence: The Gaining and the Loss of it

Of late, I have been very independent. I still live at home, yes, but that’s neither here nor there… Anyway, I had a car (my cousin’s car for 6 months), I had my license, I had my job, uni, my book, my boyfriend, my friends who I could see whenever and wherever because of the car. I had things made. I was somewhat of an adult. I was free.

…

But slowly that independence is being taken from me. My cousin is back and has taken her car. I can’t drive anywhere. I can’t just get up and go. There’s considerations that I have to make. I feel like my house is smaller somehow too. That I can’t just read because someone is always around. That I can’t buy anything without it being a big deal and something that everyone else wants to use too. It’s draining. I want to move out. Now, you don’t know me but if you did, you’d realise that for me to say that is a really big deal. I’m a mommy’s girl. But I really want and need my own space. I believe I’d be a better, more productive person for it too. Oh how I wish I could just own an amazing studio apartment near to home, so I could visit whenever I wanted but then go home to my own space, a clean house and get stuff done!

It’s just unfair and crazy scary how quickly you can feel on top of the world, then feel utterly consumed by it the next. That something as seemingly simple as a car can give you so much power and freedom. It’s like I could fly, but suddenly my wings have been shredded. And it’s a bummer, guys.

What I think I’m learning from this is that you can’t keep placing so much value on things. That you can’t allow yourself to be attached to things that can come and go. Whether that’s people, friends, boyfriends, jobs, achievements or even a car. The only thing that lasts forever is you (well, you know what I mean). The only thing you can depend on is yourself.

You have to be adaptable. You need to be able to shrug something off, say “oh well, that’s how it goes” and move on to the next thing that makes you happy. Survival of the fittest, damsels. People who are strong and happiest are the people who can spin a bad situation, rather than walking into the darkness. And I’m trying to learn from Charles Darwin myself.

With the loss of a car situation, I’m gonna take this as an opportunity to get fitter. I can walk or jog to the places I need to go. I’m also saving so much money by no longer paying out an arm and a leg for car insurance (those of you with a car know how much of a ball-ache car insurance is). With the family/home situation, the stifling feeling I’m getting lately, I’m going to get out more. I can walk to the local library or my grandparents house if I know I need to get some stuff done. I can try to wake up earlier or stay up later to have quiet time to myself; as a writer and a borderline insomniac most of the time, this would make a lot of sense for me anyway.

I am an independent person in general. For all my life I’ve been OK being alone. I like my own space. I like making my own decisions and I’ve never followed the crowd because everyone else is doing it. That’s the me I don’t want to lose, so you know what? I’m not going to. There’s stuff I want to get done, things I want to do or see and one way or another, I’ve got to do it without letting other people be a restriction. Back off people, I’m scared, I’m irritated, but I’m slowly becoming more focused. This damsel is ready to leave her mark.

~ Damsel