From One Abductee to Another

Ten posts into blogging and I came across a Tumblr that began, “Now that the blog is dead…” The writer wasn’t even trying to argue the point. She threw it out there as a cold hard fact. My friend George verified it. He works with computers so I believe him. He tweeted, “That’s why google got rid of the blog reader,” or whatever it’s called. I never used it.

I hope the Tumblr chick and George are just being dramatic. George doesn’t strike me as dramatic, but that “blog is dead” phrase .. maybe she was just trying to cleverly echo Nietsche. If the blog is truly dead, is anyone out there? Is everyone else on the ship dead and I’m trapped with an alien? I suddenly feel like Ripley, except I don’t think there’s an Alien.

Actually, I’m sure I’m trapped with an alien, three of them.

I’m serious. For the last half an hour (took a little break after the first two paragraphs) a tiny human has been demanding that I pretend his foot is a microphone and sing loudly into his toes while tickling him. He screams if I stop. Tell me that doesn’t sound like an alien! To verify this hypothesis (that my son is a lot like an alien) I did a google search for “typical alien.” Based on Wikipedia, general observation, and some drawings I found on the internet, I’ve concluded that we’ve simply mistaken our own babies for aliens. Here’s a comparison chart. Those degrees are coming in handy. Thanks Hubert Humphrey School of Public Policy!

Characteristics
Baby
Alien


Disproportionaltely large head
Yes
Yes


Telepathic
??
Yes


Small
Yes
Yes


Owns own spaceship
Toy ones  (we think)
Yes


Can’t speak human language
Yes
Yes


Takes naps
Hopefully
??


No teeth
Yes
??


Tiny nose
If Norwegian or in Disney cartoon
Typically has “nose slits”


Commonly hairless
Yes, especially if Norwegian
Yes


Wears diaper
Yes
Not that we know of

 

Note the physical similarities between babies and aliens in these diagrams. I can’t read the writing on the top picture, but I think it was drawn by an actual abductee. Also, I noticed that the aliens in the featured image are wearing footie pajamas.

Clearly, people have simply mistaken babies for aliens. It’s the middle of the night, you’re tired, who’s to say if it’s your kid or an alien? Because I clearly don’t have enough to do, I looked up some info about abductees. Here are The Facts:

1. Most abductees are under forty and of reproductive age. Men with vasectomies are typically returned to their beds unharmed. Duh! You have to have kids to mistake them for aliens.

2. Most abductees have “psychic” personalities. Awesome! This is clearly why I haven’t gotten confused yet.

3. Abductees often experience “dual difference,” that is, they feel both alien and human at the same time. I relate to this one. What parent of young children doesn’t feel hungover and weird most of the time? Of course, I felt that way before too.

4. I’m going to go ahead and add sleep-deprived, shirt on backwards, stressed out, and probably having a fight with spouse to the list of abductee traits.

Clearly, we have just been mistaking our children for aliens. The only thing that throws me is the anal probing aspect. Sure, parenting is rough, but I wouldn’t describe it exactly that way. More of a titty twister/resume killer, I’d say.

Back to back to blogging. That’s where we started, if you can recall. Got a little off track there. Now that I’ve “lost” eight years of my life, I don’t know — how short do the soundbytes need to be these days? Have you already stopped reading? I’m reminded of that literary proverb: “writing should be like a short skirt, long enough to cover the important parts, but short enough to keep it interesting.” Does Tumblr hit that sweet spot, just below the asscheeks? But why isn’t it even spelled right? If you know, tell me what to do. What social media websites should I use to promote my book?

Until next Monday,

Sam