The Fiver | Merseyside’s major arterial routes

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INTRODUCING, DEPENDING ON HOW THE SEASON PANS OUT, THE NEW LUIS SUÁREZ OR THE POOR MAN’S MEMPHIS DEPAY

Ever since Luis Suárez left for Barcelona to become one of the world’s most beloved footballers (subs please check), it’s been said that Liverpool desperately need to make a statement signing. The thundering debacle of last season has only added to that clamour. But contrary to popular belief, a statement signing isn’t what Liverpool desperately need at all. What they desperately need is a statement un-signing. Or two. Or four. Have someone prop open the front door at Anfield, then stand by it repeatedly jerking their thumb back over their shoulder, the internationally standardised mime for Do One. Get another chap, cackling maniacally, to eagerly dispatch coats, hats, kitbags, suitcases and assorted trinkets belonging to Dejan Lovren, Mario Balotelli, Fabio Borini, Joe Allen and Simon Mignolet through said gaping portal and halfway down Walton Breck Road. And in one fell swoop, the entire world of football would see that Liverpool Football Club were serious about winning trophies again. Now that’s a statement.

BUTLER AND THE DEADHOUSE SESSIONS?

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