32) An open letter to the 209 delegates of FIFA.

I wish to announce that I shall be standing to be President of FIFA.

I believe I have all the outstanding qualifications to guide the gravy train  on the next stage of its journey.

To begin with I am English. You might think that given Greg Dyke’s intemperate criticism of Mr.Blatter and the British press’ continuous attempts to show FIFA in the worst possible light, that being English would be a disadvantage. But that would be a serious misjudgement.

Indeed Mr.Dyke’s comments and those of the Prime Minister, and Prince Wiilliam, seem to me to be a betrayal of our great country’s finest traditions; we, after all, are ‘perfidious Albion’, with a centuries old worldwide reputation for shafting our friends when it suits us. This being the case, FIFA ought be a home from home for an Englishman and it certainly would be for me. I would be only too happy to pitch up for those ‘all expenses-paid’ junkets in Geneva whenever the opportunity arose. Very soon you, my esteemed FIFA colleagues, would see my snout wedged firmly in the trough and recognise me as your equal in every way.

In extending my hand to the world – and of course, grasping whatever is put in it – I stand as the continuity candidate.

But in saying that please do not think that I do not  have a strategic vision for the future of FIFA. Quite the reverse. What I am proposing is nothing short of a revolution: the abolition  of FIFA as it stands!

I believe that FIFA should merge with the International Cricket Conference, the ICC. It is a radical plan,I realise, but the two organisations would make a perfect fit. There may be the small problem of football and cricket being different sports, but since when did sporting considerations matter to either FIFA or the ICC? There is an irrefutable logic to their coming together.

Culturally they have so much in common. Indeed, dodgy dealings and backhanders are at least as much a part of cricket as they are of football. (Allegedly.) And geographically they compliment each other perfectly. The sub-continent, the one area in the world where football is weak, is the place where cricket has its most fanatical following. The vastly increased opportunities for palm greasing must be self evident to all.

Of course neither FIFA nor the ICC would be happy to be subordinate to the other so the new organisation would have to be a proper merger and, to symbolise this, the initials of each would have be properly shuffled and mixed together. I would suggest IFFI CAC. (All 209 of you would, of course, be invited to be delegates to the new organization and to attend, all expenses paid, the week long conference at the Eden Roc at Cap Ferrat which will be held to mark the inception of IFFI CAC and where you would find under your personally monogrammed silk pillow, a commemorative Gold Rolex and a plain brown paper envelope.)

I acknowledge there may be some initial resistance to merging the two codes – putting wickets where the goals used to be or vice versa might raise eyebrows, and bowling a googly with the typical World cup ball might be almost as difficult as trying to play football with it, but , let’s face it, ,if you can persuade people to hold a world cup in Qatar in 50 degree Celsius, then insignificant little difficulties like these would be easily overcome.

And of course, the single greatest advantage of all this is that, since FIFA will no longer exist, we can admit to and sincerely apologise for  FIFA’s malfeasance - that is to say heap all the  blame on Blatter and Blazer etc -  whilst asserting the unarguable truth that IFFI CAC is a new and unsullied organization. (A bit like closing the News of the World and starting up The Sun on Sunday.)

Being the architect of IFFI CAC there can be no disputing that I would be the logical choice to lead it and in due course I shall stand for that post too - hopefully without an uppity Jordanian prince running against me. An unopposed ‘coronation’ in the old FIFA tradition would be infinitely preferable.

However, given FIFA’s current difficulties with the Feds, I quite understand that, for the sake of appearances, you will probably want to  follow the process of allowing other candidates to present their cases - to make their ‘technical bids’ if you will. In any event, I am confident this will only be a minor inconvenience. In the best traditions of football administration. I fully expect my appointment to go through on the nod and I look forward to choosing my new limmo in the very near future.

Yours faithlessly,

Toby Kell-Ogg,

PS I would hate you to make a habit of  this kind of thing but, In December 2006, I applied to be Chairman of the BBC. If you want to  see what sort of candidate I would be, please click here:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hc8xSLXAoX4