My Imaginary Writer Boot Camp
I get asked a lot for writing advice. I've been making a living at this for nearly 20 years now, so, I understand that. Aspiring writers want to know 'the secret'. That one specific thing they can do to 'make it'.
The only way to fully understand and embrace the secret to writing success is to enroll in and complete my Imaginary Writer Boot Camp. Luckily for you, this post will serve as both admission and graduation from the aforementioned opportunity of a lifetime.
First, imagine me as R. Lee Ermey with a thesaurus under one arm and a bull whip in my free hand. I'm probably carrying a 2 liter bottle of Diet Pepsi and hydrating as I speak. Thus, we begin...
You are sitting at a desk. You are duct taped to the chair. There are no bathroom breaks. You have come with your 'idea' and are ready to begin your journey as a real writer.
You have your idea, right? Because this is not about coming up with a good idea, you sloth-like mound of putrid creativity! You have come prepared with this idea which my tutelage will allow you to craft into a thing of literary beauty, correct?
GOOD!
Now, before you is a stack of lined paper and a single pen. It is filled with enough ink to write approximately one hundred thousand words. You will pick up your pen and you will--
NO WE DO NOT USE COMPUTERS HERE! COMPUTERS ARE FOR ACTUAL WRITERS! NOT GARISH IMITATIONS LIKE YOURSELVES!
As I was saying, you will pick up your pen, left hand or right, it doesn't matter to me, and you will begin to write. You will complete one page and you will set it aside--FACE DOWN--and continue on the next page. Every four hours you will be given a sip of pond water, and every eighth hour you will be given one half pound of bacon to do with as you see fit. It will be uncooked.
I'VE HAD BROTHERS EAT THE RAW SPHINCTER FROM A WEEK-DECEASED CAMEL, YOU CRANK-STARTED ENGINE OF CAN'T! SO NO YOU MAY NOT HAVE YOURS COOKED!
This process will repeat until you have exhausted the supply of ink in your pen. If your opus is not complete by that time you will be allowed to finish writing using only the moisture of your inevitable tears.
SLEEP? DID YOU ASK ABOUT SLEEP? SLEEP WHEN YOU ARE DEAD, UNLIKELY WORDSMITH!
When you have completed your work of literary brilliance you will be untaped. You will be showered. You will be fed a meal of your choice and allowed to nap intermittently in a warm bed for eight hours.
Then you will return for our editing session, where things will get unpleasant.
GOOD LUCK, MAGGOTS!
