IN THE NEWS: MORE SHOCKING REVELATIONS FROM WIKILEAKS

WIKILEAKS: SHOCKING REVELATIONS ABOUT PRESIDENT BARACK "HUSSEIN" OBAMA

A secret White House memo reveals that President Barack Obama was born overseas and is not eligible to be the president of the United States. The memo also reveals that Obama is a crypto-Muslim. In a gesture to the House Republican majority, Obama accepted Secretary of State Hilary Clinton's resignation and nominated Glenn Beck as her replacement.

WEATHER

San Francisco was stunned this morning by temperatures in the 30s. These extreme weather conditions, combined with the news that the right-wing fringe has been correct about Barack Obama all along, convinced many San Franciscans that the Apocalypse was imminent, leading to mass conversions to the Republican Party and heterosexuality in front of City Hall.

SPORTS

Most sports analysts agree that teams need to win games. In baseball this requires strong pitching and fielding, as well as good hitting. In football, basketball, and hockey, offense was deemed to be important, but the analysts observed that "defense wins championships." There was widespread agreement that the best defense is a good offense, and that teams must, at the end of the game, have a higher score than their opponents if they want to win. And in a gesture to less developed nations, the Olympic Committee chose Detroit, Michigan as the site for the 2026 Olympic Games.

BUSINESS

Every reputable business and finance reporter in the nation reported that the people running our largest financial institutions are selfish, greedy, short-sighted, and irresponsible, and that the rest of us are pretty much getting screwed. But that's not really news.

ASTROLOGY

Your spiritual force, especially involving other people, may be overflowing within you today. Creative thoughts might be coming thick and fast, dear [Your Sign Here]. You may want to call some new or old friends or lovers (or business colleagues) and discuss your thoughts with them.