How We Met Pt. 4
Okay, it's been rather longer since the last post than usual, but that's because we've been working on a double-length one. ;)
Laurel Most of our conversations continued on Facebook; in fact, we only exchanged a total of nine messages on the site where we initially met. We met in late September, and I was cautiously happy with my new friend, despite how worked up I would get over our disagreements, until December.
I had seen that he was building a new computer, and trying to sell his old one. I got a message from him Christmas Day, telling me that he wanted to give my family a gift, and wondering if we would like a copy of The Sims 3, since he'd gotten a free copy with the parts for his new computer. I protested at first, partially because I really didn't think it necessary for him to give us a gift, and partly because I would have to give him our address in order for him to do so. Eventually, after mentioning it to my parents, I gave him our address. He said he would send it, and some workout videos that he hoped would help me with my martial arts training.
In the weeks leading up to the arrival of the game, he grew very concerned that there might not be someone to bring the package inside when it arrived. I assured him that someone was always home; it was why I never had a house key. But he persisted, and I warned my family that the game was coming, and he wanted someone to bring it in when it got there. I thought it seemed strange; he was generally so relaxed about everything. I dismissed it, though it did make me wonder.
So when the package came, no one was more surprised than I was. My mother, when she let me in that night, demanded to know why it took a fifty-pound box to send a game and workout videos. At that point, my brain slowed to a crawl. When we opened it, to reveal his old computer, along with a packet of papers titled "Seth's Manual To Your New Computer (Well, Sorta) my brain seemed to stop entirely.
Up to that point, I'd known, in a vague sort of way, that he was a real person. That he wasn't just text on a screen. But when that box was opened in front of me, he suddenly seemed very real. And that was when I first recognized that I was truly afraid.
This wasn't some abstract person that only existed in our conversations. This was a real, live person. A person who I'd met on a dating site, and who had just sent my family, who he'd never even met, an expensive gaming computer.
At that point, I realized what was going to happen. I knew enough of him to know that he wouldn't shy away from commitment to a relationship; we'd met on a dating site, he was looking for a relationship. I knew he'd ask for some kind of commitment from me, sooner or later, if our relationship continued to progress. I didn't realize, until his old computer, covered in stickers, and a copy of his first book were right in front of me, what that meant.
It scared me spitless.
And I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what I would say when that moment came. I wasn't sure of anything - except that if he did ask me to take the next step in our relationship, then I needed to know what I was going to say, and that I hadn't the foggiest idea what that answer should be.
Seth I didn’t send the computer as an attempt to flirt or ‘buy’ a relationship, honest. I fully intended it to be a gift and a gift alone (albeit a surprise one), and I did actually send that copy of the Sims 3, even if it wasn’t alone in that box. I was actually surprised when she told me her family now thought I loved her, or something to that effect; that certainly hadn’t been my intentions, and it hadn’t even crossed my mind that the gift could be taken that way. Moreover, I was actually beginning to fall under the impression that Laurel was… less than interested in me.
See, over the last month or so we had been talking back and forth, and during that time we had encountered some… heated disagreement. In fact, heated might not be a strong enough word for how those discussions had gone. She had been mad. Very mad. Surprisingly so. And because of that I had come under the impression that she was, perhaps, not as into me as I had hoped she would be. There were even a few times I thought she was the exact opposite: very much not into me and possibly even in a full on dislike of my person. We had begun disagreements about nearly every major aspect of life, from fashion to church to even writing itself; relationship was the furthest thing from my mind at that point, I just didn’t want her to hate me. So, when I sent that computer out I did so with the purest intention of doing something nice. I did not expect it to be a jumpstart to our relationship. There was no way I could have known that, some months later, that computer would become the very lifeline between us as we talked long distance.
At that time Christmas was upon us, which, as luck would have it, is the busiest time of year for me at my job. I didn’t have much time to talk to Laurel, and because of that I felt we were… growing apart. Or, perhaps more accurately, not growing closer. It was not that I was ignoring her or anything so callous, but that I simply did not have time to talk, and when she messaged me I could often spare only a few minutes at a time. Whether that was frustrating her or not, I didn’t know, but I did know it was not helping our chances of becoming more than friends. That’s why, as soon as Christmas was ended, I tried to renew our talks. I still didn’t know if we had any chance at being more than friends, but I had spent too long in the online dating world, and taken up too many dead end talks to simply give up because things did not at once look sunny. So we started to talk again, and I did my best to keep our conversations light and friendly, and far from the more difficult topics we had encountered. I was not always successful, as she had a habit of pulling me back towards those topics that caused friction, but the more we talked, the more amicable our disagreements became. For the time being, at least. Laurel I've always had a tendency to get worked up over things that other people dismissed easily. That combined with my fear made for a very interesting dynamic. One that, I now know, confused Seth mightily.
Adding still more depth to my already muddled mind, was the fact that I thought I might want a relationship with him someday, and predicted that he would, too - possibly before I was ready for it. At this point in our friendship, I knew he was one of my closest friends. I knew I was already growing very attached to him, and I missed talking to him when he was busy. And because of the way our personalities clicked, I knew there was a much better chance of a successful one with him.
I began evaluating him as a possible mate in the only way I knew how. Purposely bringing up the things we disagreed on. Probably not the best of plans, to just randomly spring an emotionally loaded topic on him first thing in the morning. But that was what I did, and rather frantically, too.
What I didn't realize at the time was that the reason I was so adamant about dealing with those subjects, and so dogged about bringing them up and hashing them out to the very end, was because a part of me wanted him to ask that question, and wanted to say yes. I, however, was very active in squashing that. I refused to admit that I was developing feelings for him, or allow them to influence my decision, because I knew what a mistake it would be if my heart was captured before my mind was convinced.
But my feelings did influence other decisions.
It might have been a mistake; I knew I was taking a chance, doing it. But I'd seen his books, and realized that they didn't have artwork for the covers. His birthday was coming up, and I wanted to do something for him - as a gift. So I spent weeks on a piece of digital art, intending to give it to him over Facebook on his birthday.
I blew my cover, of course (pardon the pun). I was talking to him about cover art, trying to make sure his blank covers weren't deliberately absent of art, when he mentioned commissioning artwork for his books. I told him not to do that, and then had to explain why. For a man who claims he misses subtleties (he does) he picked up on that at once. Seth She was insane. Or crazy. Or some parts both, I wasn’t sure; but she wasn’t normal, and I was sure of that. See, I had been doing my best to carry out a friendly dialogue with Laurel, something where we both could be amicable and without strife; but no matter how hard I tried, it seemed like every conversation was, eventually, pushed into some huge hot-button topic that invariably ended with me leaving her in a steam. Not on purpose, of course. I only became aware much later of certain personality traits that triggered those responses (and that I was only partially at fault for them); but at the time, it seemed like she truly was a ticking time bomb, waiting to go off if I said the wrong thing.
This led me to believe (wrongly) that she either disliked me very much, or, at the least, considered me an antagonistic friend. You know, the sort you keep around because they’re a challenge, not because you truly enjoy being around them. I did not in my wildest thoughts imagine she was considering me for more than friendship. I wasn’t even sure she wanted to keep talking to me.
That is why I was so confused when she suddenly started talking to me about cover art for my book, and subsequently told me she wanted to make one for me as a birthday gift. It may seem innocent enough to an outsider, but to me, it was like hearing the sky was green or the ocean was red. This was a girl that I had, on multiple occasions, infuriated so much with my debating her that she actually ended entire conversations in anger, and sometimes was mad for days at a time. Hearing that she wanted to do something nice for me, and do it from a place of friendship, was almost stunning. It was then that I began to realize that I had been understanding Laurel quite wrongly. That is not to say I had suddenly figured her out or anything, but that I began to see all those debates and heated words in a different light. Maybe this wasn’t a girl looking for a fight. Maybe she was looking for more than a friend.
Laurel Most of our conversations continued on Facebook; in fact, we only exchanged a total of nine messages on the site where we initially met. We met in late September, and I was cautiously happy with my new friend, despite how worked up I would get over our disagreements, until December.
I had seen that he was building a new computer, and trying to sell his old one. I got a message from him Christmas Day, telling me that he wanted to give my family a gift, and wondering if we would like a copy of The Sims 3, since he'd gotten a free copy with the parts for his new computer. I protested at first, partially because I really didn't think it necessary for him to give us a gift, and partly because I would have to give him our address in order for him to do so. Eventually, after mentioning it to my parents, I gave him our address. He said he would send it, and some workout videos that he hoped would help me with my martial arts training.
In the weeks leading up to the arrival of the game, he grew very concerned that there might not be someone to bring the package inside when it arrived. I assured him that someone was always home; it was why I never had a house key. But he persisted, and I warned my family that the game was coming, and he wanted someone to bring it in when it got there. I thought it seemed strange; he was generally so relaxed about everything. I dismissed it, though it did make me wonder.
So when the package came, no one was more surprised than I was. My mother, when she let me in that night, demanded to know why it took a fifty-pound box to send a game and workout videos. At that point, my brain slowed to a crawl. When we opened it, to reveal his old computer, along with a packet of papers titled "Seth's Manual To Your New Computer (Well, Sorta) my brain seemed to stop entirely.
Up to that point, I'd known, in a vague sort of way, that he was a real person. That he wasn't just text on a screen. But when that box was opened in front of me, he suddenly seemed very real. And that was when I first recognized that I was truly afraid.
This wasn't some abstract person that only existed in our conversations. This was a real, live person. A person who I'd met on a dating site, and who had just sent my family, who he'd never even met, an expensive gaming computer.
At that point, I realized what was going to happen. I knew enough of him to know that he wouldn't shy away from commitment to a relationship; we'd met on a dating site, he was looking for a relationship. I knew he'd ask for some kind of commitment from me, sooner or later, if our relationship continued to progress. I didn't realize, until his old computer, covered in stickers, and a copy of his first book were right in front of me, what that meant.
It scared me spitless.
And I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what I would say when that moment came. I wasn't sure of anything - except that if he did ask me to take the next step in our relationship, then I needed to know what I was going to say, and that I hadn't the foggiest idea what that answer should be.
Seth I didn’t send the computer as an attempt to flirt or ‘buy’ a relationship, honest. I fully intended it to be a gift and a gift alone (albeit a surprise one), and I did actually send that copy of the Sims 3, even if it wasn’t alone in that box. I was actually surprised when she told me her family now thought I loved her, or something to that effect; that certainly hadn’t been my intentions, and it hadn’t even crossed my mind that the gift could be taken that way. Moreover, I was actually beginning to fall under the impression that Laurel was… less than interested in me.
See, over the last month or so we had been talking back and forth, and during that time we had encountered some… heated disagreement. In fact, heated might not be a strong enough word for how those discussions had gone. She had been mad. Very mad. Surprisingly so. And because of that I had come under the impression that she was, perhaps, not as into me as I had hoped she would be. There were even a few times I thought she was the exact opposite: very much not into me and possibly even in a full on dislike of my person. We had begun disagreements about nearly every major aspect of life, from fashion to church to even writing itself; relationship was the furthest thing from my mind at that point, I just didn’t want her to hate me. So, when I sent that computer out I did so with the purest intention of doing something nice. I did not expect it to be a jumpstart to our relationship. There was no way I could have known that, some months later, that computer would become the very lifeline between us as we talked long distance.
At that time Christmas was upon us, which, as luck would have it, is the busiest time of year for me at my job. I didn’t have much time to talk to Laurel, and because of that I felt we were… growing apart. Or, perhaps more accurately, not growing closer. It was not that I was ignoring her or anything so callous, but that I simply did not have time to talk, and when she messaged me I could often spare only a few minutes at a time. Whether that was frustrating her or not, I didn’t know, but I did know it was not helping our chances of becoming more than friends. That’s why, as soon as Christmas was ended, I tried to renew our talks. I still didn’t know if we had any chance at being more than friends, but I had spent too long in the online dating world, and taken up too many dead end talks to simply give up because things did not at once look sunny. So we started to talk again, and I did my best to keep our conversations light and friendly, and far from the more difficult topics we had encountered. I was not always successful, as she had a habit of pulling me back towards those topics that caused friction, but the more we talked, the more amicable our disagreements became. For the time being, at least. Laurel I've always had a tendency to get worked up over things that other people dismissed easily. That combined with my fear made for a very interesting dynamic. One that, I now know, confused Seth mightily.
Adding still more depth to my already muddled mind, was the fact that I thought I might want a relationship with him someday, and predicted that he would, too - possibly before I was ready for it. At this point in our friendship, I knew he was one of my closest friends. I knew I was already growing very attached to him, and I missed talking to him when he was busy. And because of the way our personalities clicked, I knew there was a much better chance of a successful one with him.
I began evaluating him as a possible mate in the only way I knew how. Purposely bringing up the things we disagreed on. Probably not the best of plans, to just randomly spring an emotionally loaded topic on him first thing in the morning. But that was what I did, and rather frantically, too.
What I didn't realize at the time was that the reason I was so adamant about dealing with those subjects, and so dogged about bringing them up and hashing them out to the very end, was because a part of me wanted him to ask that question, and wanted to say yes. I, however, was very active in squashing that. I refused to admit that I was developing feelings for him, or allow them to influence my decision, because I knew what a mistake it would be if my heart was captured before my mind was convinced.
But my feelings did influence other decisions.
It might have been a mistake; I knew I was taking a chance, doing it. But I'd seen his books, and realized that they didn't have artwork for the covers. His birthday was coming up, and I wanted to do something for him - as a gift. So I spent weeks on a piece of digital art, intending to give it to him over Facebook on his birthday.
I blew my cover, of course (pardon the pun). I was talking to him about cover art, trying to make sure his blank covers weren't deliberately absent of art, when he mentioned commissioning artwork for his books. I told him not to do that, and then had to explain why. For a man who claims he misses subtleties (he does) he picked up on that at once. Seth She was insane. Or crazy. Or some parts both, I wasn’t sure; but she wasn’t normal, and I was sure of that. See, I had been doing my best to carry out a friendly dialogue with Laurel, something where we both could be amicable and without strife; but no matter how hard I tried, it seemed like every conversation was, eventually, pushed into some huge hot-button topic that invariably ended with me leaving her in a steam. Not on purpose, of course. I only became aware much later of certain personality traits that triggered those responses (and that I was only partially at fault for them); but at the time, it seemed like she truly was a ticking time bomb, waiting to go off if I said the wrong thing.
This led me to believe (wrongly) that she either disliked me very much, or, at the least, considered me an antagonistic friend. You know, the sort you keep around because they’re a challenge, not because you truly enjoy being around them. I did not in my wildest thoughts imagine she was considering me for more than friendship. I wasn’t even sure she wanted to keep talking to me.
That is why I was so confused when she suddenly started talking to me about cover art for my book, and subsequently told me she wanted to make one for me as a birthday gift. It may seem innocent enough to an outsider, but to me, it was like hearing the sky was green or the ocean was red. This was a girl that I had, on multiple occasions, infuriated so much with my debating her that she actually ended entire conversations in anger, and sometimes was mad for days at a time. Hearing that she wanted to do something nice for me, and do it from a place of friendship, was almost stunning. It was then that I began to realize that I had been understanding Laurel quite wrongly. That is not to say I had suddenly figured her out or anything, but that I began to see all those debates and heated words in a different light. Maybe this wasn’t a girl looking for a fight. Maybe she was looking for more than a friend.
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