Daily Dialogue: Harley and Ivy Look for Wuv
Harley
Why so glum, chummette?
Ivy
“Chummette?”
Harley
Chummie? What’s tha female version a’ “chum?”
Ivy
I think it’s “chum” across the board.
Harley
Or in tha water!
Ivy
Huh?
Harley
Y’know, “chum in tha water.” Like… Y’know?
Ivy
Yeah, yeah, soap scum in the tub.
Harley
No, not– Waitaminnit. I see this look on yer face every time I look at MY face in tha mirror. Yer in love, Red!
Ivy
I want to be.
Harley
I think ya broke my brain a little more with that one… and I only gots so much brain left.
Ivy
Yeah…
Harley
Criminny stickets, this is serious! No witty or sexual retort! Not even a shoe-horned “save the Earth” limerick.
Ivy
I guess not…
Harley
Why do ya think ya wanna be in love?
Ivy
Because sometimes I feel like I need more in my life.
Harley
Like, shudder, babies?
Ivy
I said “something,” not “a reason to toss myself sideways in a woodchipper.”
Harley
There’s my Pam! When’dya get these emotions?
Ivy
When– Never mind.
Harley
Aw, c’mon. Ya can tell me. I was a brain doctor, remember? And tha blondeness is just a REALLY expensive dye job.
Ivy
Heh, I know, I’ve seen those receipts.
Harley
It’s cuz it’s a salon that doesn’t ask questions. A gal whose wanted in one, two, three… seven states and a commonwealth needs ta be selective.
Ivy
A commonwealth?
Harley
What happens in Puerto Rico stays in Puerto Rico. So, talk ta me, Red. I’ll even put on my Dr. Harleen Quinzel hat.
Ivy
Thanks. Where do I begin?
Dr. Harleen
When ya were first in love.
Ivy
When I worked under Jason Woodrue.
Dr. Harleen
On yer back or knees?
Ivy
Damnit, Harley!
Dr. Harleen
Psst, it’s Dr. Harleen. And yer right, yer right. That was inappropriate. Go on.
Ivy
I loved him. He was my first love, actually. I would’ve done anything for him.
Dr. Harleen
Aww. I know how that goes.
Ivy
And he knew it. He used me.
Dr. Harleen
Hey… I know how that goes, too.
Ivy
He did what he wanted with me and left me to die.
Harley
I HATE YOU, PUDDIN’!!
Ivy
Uh… Harley?
Dr. Harleen
Oops! Sorry, I forgot myself fer a sec. How did Mistah Jaaaaaaaaaason Woodrue use you?
Ivy
We were working on a plant formula that would combine flora and fauna into a new species.
Dr. Harleen
Why wouldya wanna do somethin’ like that?
Ivy
Scientists get paid a lot of money to be stupid and curious.
Dr. Harleen
Ah.
Ivy
We were so close to perfecting the formula… And I never felt closer to another human being.
Dr. Harleen
Aww. What drew ya to ‘im?
Ivy
His mind. His brilliant mind. And his smell.
Dr. Harleen
Ooo, what’d he smell like?
Ivy
Brilliance.
Dr. Harleen
Ya had it bad, girl!
Ivy
Heh, yeah.
Dr. Harleen
He used tha formula on ya, didn’t he?
Ivy
Without so much as a warning. I was so in love with him, I would’ve died for him. But I didn’t. Instead, he tore my heart out and replaced it with hemlock, jequirity, and nightshade.
Dr. Harleen
But ya survived! An’ yer part-plant an’ ya have me!
Ivy
Yeah… But it’s not enough.
Dr. Harleen
Meanie.
Ivy
I didn’t mean it that way.
Dr. Harleen
I was kiddin’. Mostly. I thought ya were one a’ those emotional-asexuals.
Ivy
Mostly. But sometimes, I feel the pangs of the Floronic Man.
Dr. Harleen
Who?
Ivy
Jason. After he violated me, he furthered his research and tested the formula on himself.
Harley
…ya had tha hots fer tha Floronic Man? Hahahahahahahaha!
Ivy
I know, I know…
Dr. Harleen
Hoo boy… Ok, I’m back. Tell me about these moments in love.
Ivy
Lately, I’ve been attracted to any woman I’d even remotely like.
Harley
Except me…
Ivy
You’re different, you know that.
Dr. Harleen
I know, I’m just funnin’ ya. We’re beyond such trivialities.
Ivy
Heh. Right.
Dr. Harleen
Any woman?
Ivy
Yeah.
Dr. Harleen
No men?
Ivy
After Jason?
Dr. Harleen
Touché, le pussycat. How bad does it get?
Ivy
I don’t wanna uproot my life for them, but–
Harley
Heh. “Uproot.”
Ivy
…but I want them to be a part of my life.
Harley
Strangers? Ones ya know nothin’ about? Ones who could be Jason inna dress? Or a skirt? Or a corset? Or a garter belt. Or a–
Ivy
Focus.
Dr. Harleen
Do they have anything in common, these danders?
Ivy
Not really, apart from me thinking that they’re pretty.
Dr. Harleen
If ya got one a’ them, do ya think ya would still have a roamin’ eye?
Ivy
No, I feel that once I have “her,” that’ll be that.
Dr. Harleen
Whatcha want from “her?”
Ivy
I don’t know.
Dr. Harleen
Well, how tha hell do ya plan on bein’ inna relationship if ya don’t know whatcha want? That’s not fair to either a’ ya.
Ivy
I know… So, what do I do?
Dr. Harleen
Ya gotta figure out whatcha want, then worry about who ya want. K?
Ivy
Ok. Thanks, Dr. Harleen.
Dr. Harleen
No problemo!
Harley
Ya can pay fer my next dye job!
