Daily Dialogue: The Spank List
Rally
This actually pretty good.
Bryce
This, my good broad, is what I call a blue motherfucker. The rest of the world calls it that, too, but that’s beside the point.
Rally
I was expecting a Long Island that looks like a Smurf drowned in it to taste like, well, a Long Island that a Smurf drowned in. Bravo.
Bryce
One doesn’t spend a year in bartending school without picking up a few tricks.
Rally
Dating a chick who goes to bartending school doesn’t constitute as such.
Bryce
Are you gonna argue semantics or are you gonna drink your free hootch, ya ingrate?
Rally
I’ll drink my free hootch and think of something to argue about later.
Bryce
Typical first-worlder… Why can’t you just be satisfied without having to muck the night up with an argument?
Rally
Aren’t you the one who was gonna deck the liquor store clerk for not having your brand of tequila?
Bryce
Hey, she runs a liquor establishment. A rather large one, mind you. She should be taken to task if she doesn’t have EVERY tequila ever made.
Rally
I think she was pushing 80.
Bryce
She had buffalo grass vodka, for crying out loud!
Rally
Oh yeah, that was a pretty big slice of inhumanity. You do realize that I was the rational one in that exchange.
Bryce
Cripes, you’re right. Fuck, you’re really right. But, c’mon, buffalo grass!
Rally
No, I get it. I just want the record to show that for the first time in history, I was the la femme rationale.
Bryce
I’ll allow it. But it best better not happen again.
Rally
That’s up to you, Lil’ Slugger. Cheers.
Bryce
Cheers, indeed! You still want an argument?
Rally
I’m always up for a tete-a-tete.
Bryce
We’re of the sapphic persuasion, correct?
Rally
Wait, lemme check. Yeah, a vag is still the only thing I want.
Bryce
Splendid. Let’s say that the world of famous women are open to you.
Rally
They practically are. Have you seen the spank folder on my computer?
Bryce
Sorry, I don’t feel the need to go all NSA on my friends.
Rally
Well, it’s massive.
Bryce
With those manicured nails and that grip?
Rally
What was your point?
Bryce
Assuming that any woman we bring up will be a perfect match for you–
Rally
A good protective clause for any discussion that may drift into misogyny.
Bryce
Oh, we’re gonna burn rubber right the fuck into misogyny.
Rally
Cheers.
Bryce
Cheers! Which women would you wanna fuck?
Rally
Assuming each one would be a perfect match and smarter than a fifth grade?
Bryce
They have doctorates in smarts.
Rally
Where did they get those, Cambridge?
Bryce
I got mine in Hard Knocks U.
Rally
Sounds like my night last Friday. But back to the subject at hand.
Bryce
Keep ’em on the table, DJ Scratch-‘n-Sniff.
Rally
Mia Kirshner.
Bryce
Let’s just say that the entire cast of L Word is fuckable, ok?
Rally
Yeah… But if I could have Mia Kirshner and Katherine Moennig for a night…
Bryce
Hands on the table.
Rally
This was your idea, shouldn’t you set the stage?
Bryce
Fair enough. I’d love to slide a finger or two into Jennifer Connelly.
Rally
The girl from Labyrinth? Pedophile!
Bryce
I don’t want her when she’s 15, savage! More like Requiem From a Dream.
Rally
Wasn’t she a drug addict in that one?
Bryce
Your turn.
Rally
Salma Hayek.
Bryce
Are you nuts? The recoil on that body would kill you.
Rally
Yeah, but what a way to go.
Bryce
Can’t argue with that. Kylie Minogue. Since we’re on the subject of potentially dying during sex, I’d like to be taken out by the songstress who knows more about fucking than entire cities will ever know.
Rally
That’s a good pull.
Bryce
Thanks.
Rally
Kate Beckinsale in a fourway with Michelle Pfeiffer, Carrie-Anne Moss, and myself.
Bryce
Why those three?
Rally
The skin-tight vinyl crew. A vampire, Catwoman, and a hacker who can kick people through walls.
Bryce
Do your wet dreams always involve a death wish?
Rally
Shakespeare mumbled something about death and orgasms once.
Bryce
Do they have to be alive?
Rally
If necrophilia gets your rocks off, I won’t judge. I’ll just have blackmail.
Bryce
I’d love to have a go with Bettie Page and Bette Davis.
Rally
Oh, fuck you!
Bryce
What?
Rally
I want Bettie Page.
Bryce
Too late, lady, I claimed her.
Rally
Why Bette Davis? Was she in your dad’s spank bank?
Bryce
She played nice girls and she played bad girls. Sex with her would never be boring.
Rally
Clever bitch… Cheers.
Bryce
Cheers!
