The Scan Of Destiny

So here’s the most important thing I learned about going in for a scan: get an early morning appointment.

The Scan Of Destiny required that I fast for three hours beforehand, and then refrain from drinking even water for an hour beforehand. By the time they got to me, I had been fasting for five hours and dehydrated for three.

No, it’s not negligence or bad employees. The problem is, people who need CT-scans are sick. They have to be injected with something called ‘contrast’ (I no longer take the drink but they tell me the injection is more important anyway). The problem with that is, a lot of people don’t have very good veins for IV injections––it takes time. And on a Friday afternoon before a bank holiday weekend––well, you see the problem.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t at my best after five hours without food and three without water. Instead of sitting quietly, I started threatening to walk out. If they hadn’t taken me when they did, I think I might have started threatening to take hostages.

Fortunately, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m married to a man I can’t embarrass. Also, the Macmillan Centre people are used to dealing with cancer patients made stroppy by various causes related to their condition. 

But here’s a pro-tip: If you are taking a friend or relative to have a scan and you’re sitting in a waitinig room where there are people who have had to fast and the scanning techs are running two hours behind, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES EAT YOUR LUNCH THERE OR I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU.

No, I probably won’t be one of those other people in the waiting room. But then again, I might be. So why take foolish chances?