Be Kind to Yourself

People can be so unkind to themselves. I listen to the way people talk about themselves — even to themselves — and I wish I could help them see how unkind they are being. It’s hard to live with the constant criticism that comes from negative self-talk. It can be just as hard to spot when you’re doing it.

It sounds like this:

“Why can’t you ever…”
“You’re so stupid…”
“Get some control…”
“What the hell were you thinking…”
“Seriously, you think you can do that?”

There are about a b’zillion ways in which we can be unkind to ourselves every day. And yet, if we heard some stranger saying similar things to some other stranger, we would be appalled. Never mind if we watched someone speak as sharply to someone we love; we’d be furious.

Some people are nasty in their self-talk because they genuinely believe they’re giving themselves some tough love. If you think it’s self-indulgent to be compassionate with yourself, that’s a nasty tape you’re running. Get rid of it. You don’t need that inner critic to keep you motivated. And, no, you’re not being selfish if you’re looking out for yourself, making sure you are cared for. In fact, the only way you can really feel compassion for others is to be able to feel compassion for yourself.

Self-compassion isn’t about wimping out. Self-compassion isn’t about taking the easy way. It’s about being kind to yourself.

The next time you hear you being harsh with YOU, imagine how you would speak to someone else you loved. It might be your bestie, it might be your brother, it might be your daughter. Whomever you chose, it has to be someone you love hugely. (As hugely as you should love yourself.) And it has to be someone you would be kind to. (As kind as you need to be to yourself.)

You’ll need to be vigilant to catch that internal dialogue that just seems to happen. Each time you catch your negative self berating beautiful you, smile at how this got away from you and then say something positive or supportive to yourself. It may seem silly at first. You may think something so contrived couldn’t possibly have any power. You’d be wrong.

The things you don’t feel you do well aren’t failures, they’re your opportunity to learn and grow. Focusing on what you do wrong doesn’t teach you how to do it better. Instead focus on what you do right, and what you’ll do differently next time. Instead of castigating yourself for whatever fix you find yourself in, smile. (It’s what you’d do to help a child feel safe.) Then acknowledge the difficulty. (‘Yes, that does seem like a challenge.) And look for a solution. (‘Maybe if we tried…’)

If you’ve been tough-talking to yourself for a long time, being gentle with yourself won’t come naturally. But it’s worth the work if you want to have a life that isn’t distracted by fear. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it.