About triggering, learning and being an ally
Today I'm thinking about how one walks with someone and shares a moment of their life, for a friend just rang to tell me all about an article that confirms that what I was saying about violent antisemitism is true. She was shocked and horrified and also surprised. We talked about it. I explained that she really didn't have to copy this kind of article to me. I already know the stats: I already live with the situation. For her it's new. For me, it's a factor in daily life.
It got me thinking that this happens to me all the time.
Someone discovers that my extreme allergies are real, and they need to research them (which is lovely) and tell me all about them and how to handle them.
Someone (usually male) discovers that the precautions I take as a woman to prevent getting attacked are legitimate and necessary and he copies me articles about rape.
Someone discovers that...
We all get this. The good people of this world do not always know what our life experiences are and sometimes they will say "Yes" to our explanations out of politeness, because they like us. The fact that they're good people shows instantly when we receive those calls and those emails telling us that we were right. Up to that moment, this is great news. Friends who see what we're going through and who care enough to ring us and tell us! Awesome!
I find it interesting the number of people who believe that I'm wrong until they find evidence that's external to me, that I haven't sent them towards. It can't be helped: my life experiences are unusual to people who aren't female, aren't Jewish, aren't short, don't have chronic health conditions, aren't or haven't been middle aged and so on. I admit, I use this in speeches to certain audiences, for I can talk about myself simply and naturally and to the right audience it will sound wonderfully exotic and not quite believable. The big stuff, the scary stuff isn't believed by most people. They're nice, though, so they don't contradict me to my face. And they're solid human beings, so they change their opinion when they find that external evidence.
"How can you have lived through this?" they ask. And that should be a start of a good conversation. And it is, fifty percent of the time. The other fifty per cent of the time the friend wants to lead me into their new place of knowledge. Intellectually they know I'm already there, but emotionally it's shocking and new and their first thought is to share it with the friend they know will understand.
It comes from a place of privilege when you demand that someone who has been dealing with a situation for years hold your hand while you discover it. It's generosity on their part to hold your hand and walk with you on your new voyage of discovery. It's not something you can assume nor something you should assume.
I'm not even sure that people should be asking this of friends, unless they're very certain that it won't hurt. Given my PTSD comes from events that only happened because I am Jewish, I don't need newcomers to the charming universe that is created by antisemites to send me articles about other Jews hurting, or about the Shoah. I find these things for myself. I refuse to stop learning because it hurts, but I do control when I read things, so that learning doesn't actually make me unlearn my humanity. That's my privilege.
Taking a friend through your 101 can also be disrespectful ("I know you said you've been there already, but have you really? Let me just send you this article.") It's like someone trying to convert me to their particular religion: they're intimating that my religion and my life are insufficient. None of my friends are trying to do this, but I hate having to be rude and point it out. I do have to, though, because the other thing that will happen is I will hurt. The things people discover that they didn't believe in are usually life experiences that leave certain marks. We don't ask someone to break a leg again so that we can experience it alongside them, we shouldn't be asking them to revisit personal trauma in order for us, personally, to know that it exists.
"You're right to want to share this," I say (because they are), "But I'm not the person who you need to share it with." They need to find someone who they can share this voyage of discovery as a voyage of discovery and be properly shocked and horrified because it's all new, not find someone who wants to pack everything in because life's just too damn hard. For having to relive the bad things because someone else has discovered them for the first time can push people to the edge. It's not doing that now, to me, but it did so a few years ago.
How often is this happening right now? About once a fortnight.
This frequency is both wonderful and worrying. Wonderful that people are opening themselves to the world not being a nice place and that people they know might be paying prices for this. Worrying, because these are all people who know me and didn't believe what I was saying. For mental health issues, for issues relating to bigotry, to gender, to sexuality, to trauma people often feel they need to learn alongside their friends. If the friends are those who suffer this bigotry, it can make bad worse.
I'm almost always happy to answer questions about the various things I've experienced and endured. I'm a good person to ask questions of, therefore. This doesn't make me the person you should teach the basics of my own life experience.
I want to say to these friends "Don't tell me how I think or feel." I do tell these friends "You're not going to fight the bigotry by telling me about it, for I already do what I can. Find someone who doesn't know."
There's a safety in telling me, for I won't give back the feeling they had when they first heard my story and didn't believe. I understand that, truly I do. But that safety can hurt people who are already hurting, or condescend to them about their life experience. Safety is not always wisdom.
It got me thinking that this happens to me all the time.
Someone discovers that my extreme allergies are real, and they need to research them (which is lovely) and tell me all about them and how to handle them.
Someone (usually male) discovers that the precautions I take as a woman to prevent getting attacked are legitimate and necessary and he copies me articles about rape.
Someone discovers that...
We all get this. The good people of this world do not always know what our life experiences are and sometimes they will say "Yes" to our explanations out of politeness, because they like us. The fact that they're good people shows instantly when we receive those calls and those emails telling us that we were right. Up to that moment, this is great news. Friends who see what we're going through and who care enough to ring us and tell us! Awesome!
I find it interesting the number of people who believe that I'm wrong until they find evidence that's external to me, that I haven't sent them towards. It can't be helped: my life experiences are unusual to people who aren't female, aren't Jewish, aren't short, don't have chronic health conditions, aren't or haven't been middle aged and so on. I admit, I use this in speeches to certain audiences, for I can talk about myself simply and naturally and to the right audience it will sound wonderfully exotic and not quite believable. The big stuff, the scary stuff isn't believed by most people. They're nice, though, so they don't contradict me to my face. And they're solid human beings, so they change their opinion when they find that external evidence.
"How can you have lived through this?" they ask. And that should be a start of a good conversation. And it is, fifty percent of the time. The other fifty per cent of the time the friend wants to lead me into their new place of knowledge. Intellectually they know I'm already there, but emotionally it's shocking and new and their first thought is to share it with the friend they know will understand.
It comes from a place of privilege when you demand that someone who has been dealing with a situation for years hold your hand while you discover it. It's generosity on their part to hold your hand and walk with you on your new voyage of discovery. It's not something you can assume nor something you should assume.
I'm not even sure that people should be asking this of friends, unless they're very certain that it won't hurt. Given my PTSD comes from events that only happened because I am Jewish, I don't need newcomers to the charming universe that is created by antisemites to send me articles about other Jews hurting, or about the Shoah. I find these things for myself. I refuse to stop learning because it hurts, but I do control when I read things, so that learning doesn't actually make me unlearn my humanity. That's my privilege.
Taking a friend through your 101 can also be disrespectful ("I know you said you've been there already, but have you really? Let me just send you this article.") It's like someone trying to convert me to their particular religion: they're intimating that my religion and my life are insufficient. None of my friends are trying to do this, but I hate having to be rude and point it out. I do have to, though, because the other thing that will happen is I will hurt. The things people discover that they didn't believe in are usually life experiences that leave certain marks. We don't ask someone to break a leg again so that we can experience it alongside them, we shouldn't be asking them to revisit personal trauma in order for us, personally, to know that it exists.
"You're right to want to share this," I say (because they are), "But I'm not the person who you need to share it with." They need to find someone who they can share this voyage of discovery as a voyage of discovery and be properly shocked and horrified because it's all new, not find someone who wants to pack everything in because life's just too damn hard. For having to relive the bad things because someone else has discovered them for the first time can push people to the edge. It's not doing that now, to me, but it did so a few years ago.
How often is this happening right now? About once a fortnight.
This frequency is both wonderful and worrying. Wonderful that people are opening themselves to the world not being a nice place and that people they know might be paying prices for this. Worrying, because these are all people who know me and didn't believe what I was saying. For mental health issues, for issues relating to bigotry, to gender, to sexuality, to trauma people often feel they need to learn alongside their friends. If the friends are those who suffer this bigotry, it can make bad worse.
I'm almost always happy to answer questions about the various things I've experienced and endured. I'm a good person to ask questions of, therefore. This doesn't make me the person you should teach the basics of my own life experience.
I want to say to these friends "Don't tell me how I think or feel." I do tell these friends "You're not going to fight the bigotry by telling me about it, for I already do what I can. Find someone who doesn't know."
There's a safety in telling me, for I won't give back the feeling they had when they first heard my story and didn't believe. I understand that, truly I do. But that safety can hurt people who are already hurting, or condescend to them about their life experience. Safety is not always wisdom.
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