In the Event of My (Un/Timely) Death

First, I have no intention of dying any time soon. This is not a goodbye note, or a cry for help. Just putting that out there so I don’t end up getting sent to the school counselor again. No, Betty Draper’s instructions to Sally, and one of my LTYM castmate’s essays put me in mind of it, so I figured I’d take a load off my family and let you all know how I’d like to be celebrated in the end*.

1. Cremate me. Cremate me as cheaply as possible. Please make sure I’m good and dead first because it...