Daily Dialogue: Harley and Ivy Go to Washington
Ivy
Are you free?
Harley
No, but ya can find me on that shelf in tha grocery store with all tha other damaged goods.
Ivy
I’m serious.
Harley
I’m seriousssssly not. Why so serious? Hee-hee.
Ivy
We need to go on a trip.
Harley
To Bermuda?
Ivy
No.
Harley
Ah shucks, I thought today woulda been tha day. Next time, Brazilian wax job… next time.
Ivy
We need to take over the capitol.
Harley
Of Bermuda?
Ivy
Of the United States.
Harley
Oh, them. Wait, huh? How? Why? And those other questions!
Ivy
They’re puritans.
Harley
Duh, but that wasn’t grounds ta do anything ta them before. What’s changed?
Ivy
Their views on sex– Or rather, their lack of views, are crippling my artistic urges.
Harley
Let’s pretend that I’m slow as well as crazy while ya explain things ta me.
Ivy
I want to make a documentary on burlesque dancers, but the bank I have has a no-porn policy on films I make, and my lawyer said that burlesque dancing might be considered pornography.
Harley
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Ivy
I know, it’s stupid.
Harley
Yer… Yer makin’ a documentary? Heh-heh. Since, woo, since when?
Ivy
My life doesn’t revolve around you, you know. I do things besides watching your wiggle.
Harley
An’ a fine wiggle it is! Yer doin’ this legitimately?
Ivy
Yeah.
Harley
Why?
Ivy
Crime pays in doses.
Harley
What, an’ art does better?
Ivy
…no, but I’d like to do a job that doesn’t involve me getting kicked in the head or going to Arkham.
Harley
I think MY kicks to tha head keep me in Arkham.
Ivy
You’re not the only one who thinks so.
Harley
Why do ya need a bank?
Ivy
Because it’s more responsible than keeping my money under your mattress.
Harley
That’s where I keep my money…
Ivy
Don’t worry, I didn’t take any of yours.
Harley
Because yer still breathin’! Does that mean ya gots a movie studio?
Ivy
It’s just a name right now, but I’ll have an office soon.
Harley
What’s tha name?
Ivy
Golden Harvest.
Harley
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Ivy
What is it this time?
Harley
That’s, woo, tha name of one a tha biggest martial arts movie studios in tha world, Red.
Ivy
THAT’S why I keep getting emails about Bruce Lee and Donnie Yen.
Harley
Yup yup yup.
Ivy
Well, it’s too late to change it now, so I’ll have to put up with that spam.
Harley
Do ya know our senator?
Ivy
No. Should I?
Harley
Instead a takin’ on the capitol, which’ll surely be ended by us bein’ decimated by a hail of gunfire, we could just kidnap our pasty ol’ white guy and torture him until he tells yer bank to let ya make yer doc.
Ivy
You know who our senator is?
Harley
Nope!
Ivy
Then how do you know that he’s a pasty old white guy?
Harley
When aren’t they?
Ivy
I guess the internet can tell us.
Harley
Ya know what else ruffles my goat? Ya only hear from them when they want somethin’. But when HARLEY wants ta know when we’ll get hover cars, HARLEY gets igno–
Ivy
Senator James Pope.
Harley
Hee-hee, we’re gonna kidnap a pope. A pope named Jimmy. What now?
Ivy
We plan.
Harley
I could dress up like a devil an’ chase him into our murdervan.
Ivy
I wish you wouldn’t call it that.
Harley
It’s a white van with no windows: what else could it be used fer?
Ivy
The devil idea won’t work. You’d just get sent back to Arkham before you get within a few feet of him.
Harley
But I’d be a good devil…
Ivy
I know, pet.
Harley
And his name is Pope! Why are ya denying me tha joy a chasing a guy named Pope with a devil?
Ivy
You can dress like a devil when you torture him.
Harley
Really? Really truly?
Ivy
I’ll even give you a pitchfork.
Harley
Yippee-skippee! What if we pretended ta be prostitutes as a gift ta him?
Ivy
Then lure him to–
Harley
Then lure him ta tha murdervan and I torture him devil-style until he gives ya what ya want.
Ivy
Wait, won’t he get us arrested?
Harley
Oh, Red. Poor, sweet, naive Red. The only thing a senator loves more than a bribe is a quickie from a pro.
Ivy
But don’t they rail against prostitution?
Harley
Ya really need ta watch more exposés. Who do ya think pimps and madams make most a their money from in Washington DC?
Ivy
I guess that’s settled.
Harley
Not. Quite.
Ivy
What do you mean?
Harley
We gotta pick out our threads, Red. An’ yer not used ta dressin’ like a pro, so ya might need ta model a few looks fer me. Hee-hee-hee.
