Why My Characters Use Condoms at all Times

This post was originally supposed to be a post for another blog. But I misinterpreted what the blogger wanted and did a rewrite. So I decided to post it here, on my own blog instead, hoping readers will find it interesting as a topic itself.

I never lie about the fact that most of my sex scenes are taken from personal experiences. So I'd like to begin with a personal story that happened to me about twelve years ago. I'd gone out to a bar with friends and met an adorable, athletic, guy, with short blond hair and huge biceps. I'd been to this particular bar in the past, and this type of guy was not their normal client. He told me he was just passing through town, on his way home from college, and decided to stop in for a drink.

Then one thing led to another, and before we knew it we were in the back seat of his car making out. He was very aggressive, and I didn't mind in the least. Though I knew this guy wasn't going to be the love of my life, there was a strong sexual energy between us. By the time we were both undressed, he asked me if we could do something very specific. And I asked him if he had a condom. I didn't want to ask, I didn't want to even bring the subject up. But I knew I had to do it. I normally have condoms in my car at all times. But I was with friends that night and didn't even have my car. Unfortunately, this gorgeous guy didn't have any condoms either and my heart sank.

He continued to persuade me, without being shy about it. He even said, "I'll just pull out fast toward the end. I swear I will. I know what I'm doing." And for a moment, I even contemplated letting him do this. I was almost ready to submit completely. It was one of those moments where you either move forward, or everything comes crashing down. He tried to coax me for another twenty minutes, and I kept refusing. I felt like the prom date who wouldn't put out, and I didn't want him to think I was teasing him. But it all came crashing down anyway. I even picked up a hint of annoyance in his tone when I started getting dressed. All the chemistry between us disappeared just as fast as it had appeared. He didn't even open the door for me when it was time to get out. But I had no regrets. For me, growing up in the New York area and watching people die with HIV/AIDS, left a strong impression. And I didn't care whether his feelings were hurt or not. I wasn't going to have unprotected sex with anyone, and to this day, I still haven't.

But when I started writing gay erotica and gay romance almost twenty years ago for publishers like Alyson Books and Cleis Press, I wasn't this strict with my characters. I felt that my readers were tired of safe sex and frustrated about all the things they couldn't do themselves. They were reading these books to escape from the real world, not be reminded of it. I didn't think they wanted the characters to use condoms. This was fantasy, not reality. I was making it all up as I went along, thinking "what if" all the time. If there is such a thing as poetic license, I believed what I was doing benefited the reader, not the socially conscious. And, to be honest, I was enjoying what I was writing just as much. Though I've always used condoms, I can't admit I'm a huge fan of them.

But I do think the world has changed in the past twenty years, with regard to being both politically correct and socially correct. Most readers nowadays don't even know Times Square was a huge sex attraction. They have no idea what went on down at the docks in the West Village. When I go back today and read some of the things I had published almost two decades ago, I'm shocked at myself sometimes. Did I actually do that? And we were in the height of the AIDS epidemic then? In the past five years or so, I have rarely written a sex scene without condoms. I try to make it fast and get the condoms out of the way, but they are almost always there. Sometimes I try to make the condom scene sexy, but that's often hard to do. And I'll be honest about this; I'm always worried (concerned) that someone might get the wrong impression. I'm not as concerned about professional reviews as I am readers. I receive a lot of e-mail from young men all over the world who are just starting out and I feel a responsibility to educate them. I know we're taught about the importance of condoms here in the US, but I'm not sure about other parts of the world. And I don't want to assume anything.

But I don't always write about characters who use condoms, and I still seem to get heat for this. I think I have valid reasons, but not everyone agrees. For example, I'm finishing up the third in a series of three books right now. Both main characters are in love, monogamous, and living happily as any other married straight couple. They've both been tested for HIV and both were negative. So it would be pointless for them to continue using condoms as a couple. I don't know any straight married couples who use condoms, so why should gay couples be any different? And I still receive complaints about this. I'm not sure what to think. Is it so strange to think of two gay men sharing their lives the same way straight men and women share their lives? Millions of gay men all over the globe are in relationships and they are monogamous. And to suggest they need condoms is to suggest there is something flawed about their relationships, which I won't do.

Then I wrote about a young gay couple who were not monogamous. They were in love and they were a couple. But they had an open relationship with one important rule: whenever they fooled around with someone else they had to use condoms. These characters respected each other and trusted each other, as people in love tend to do. And they set this rule up early in their relationship so they wouldn't have to use condoms when they were together. In other words, if they were both using condoms if and when they were with other people, they were practicing safe sex all the time. This meant they would remain HIV negative and there would be no need for condoms when they were with each other. But some readers either didn't get this or took offense to the entire concept, and they all let me know about it without being shy. And there's really no way to defend something like this. It is what it is. And, for the record, I know several gay couples in real life who have open relationships like this.

After that experience, I decided that if my characters weren't going to use condoms, I'd explain why in more detail. Maybe I didn't explain it well enough in the past? And most of my characters, in fact, do use condoms these days. But I'm not advocating this for all authors as a set rule. I do agree with those who believe many readers are reading these stories and books to escape. They want the fantasy; they want it, so to speak, raw. As a gay man, I can understand this need to escape. I still look back on the incident with that gorgeous blond guy and still kick myself for not having a condom with me. And whenever I read an erotic romance where the characters are not using condoms, I don't take offense and I understand that this is fantasy, not reality.