“Lord, I’m On “E”…Can I Get a Refill…Fulfilled?” Blog Series Part 4
*This entry is a part of a continuous series, reading the previous entries will help you follow without missing a beat*
“Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I’d even lived one day.”
-Psalm 139:13-16 (The Message Bible)
Most times we have to go back to the beginning in order to move forward. I truly believe that all that was wrong with me as an adult was deep-rooted in my past. I had to first admit that something was not right with my present belief system and how I processed situations, circumstances and crisis. I realized that there was a large part of me that was still hurting, grieving, blaming and chasing. Chasing something; anything to fill the hole in my soul that seemed insatiable. Somewhere, somehow my life was being choked out by weeds. Sometimes, you have to dig up the root and start over to get a good crop.
I remember being a little girl who loved to play dress up. I would go into my mommy’s room and put my tiny feet in her shoes, put on her jewelry and a little lipstick and dance around the room. One day my mom caught me and after laughing, she said, “chile, don’t you rush to get old.” I replied that it was fun and I was just pretending. Now I am all grown up and realizing that most of us are little girls masquerading in the body of a full grown woman and there is nothing fun about pretending. If we are to be completely honest with ourselves, we will find that somewhere along the way, we became a “Little Girl Lost”.
I believe God made women exactly as He wanted us to be…loving, caring, emotional, nurturing, forgiving, intelligent, sensual, strong, resourceful, encouraging, etc…the problem, is finding the balance of it all. We have endured painful, traumatic experiences that we have allowed to shift the balance of all that God created us to be and we carry hurts, pains and disappointments from childhood into our adult life.
What does that look like, you may ask? Imagine the hump back of Notre Dame…with your face. Every time we experience something negative in our life, we pile it on top of that invisible hump in our back, weighing us down until we feel we can’t move without pain. I think Erykah Badu was onto something when she sung:
“
Bag lady you gone hurt your back
Dragging all them bags like that
I guess nobody ever told you
All you must hold on to
Is you, is you, is you”
I had to sit down and really reflect on my life including my most recent loss and disappointments. I mentally unpacked all of my emotional bags and determined in my heart that I was going to go back through the muck and mire, all of the pain, let-downs, bitterness, self-doubt, self-loathing, tumble weeds of wounds, people who teased me; abandoned me; talked about me, raped me and beat me to rescue the little girl who was lost in all of my life’s experiences.
I sat down and remembered my innocence…went back to my earliest memory of pure innocence, trust and zest for life. Talked to a counselor or two and began my trek back in time to save myself.
For me, that innocence was at its purest when I was 8 years old. I had loved to read since about 3 and I found myself always reading aloud to myself, my brothers, my mother and anyone who would listen. My teachers took notice of this and would often call on me to read to my class and perform the task of Mistress of Ceremonies at our school assemblies in Plummer Elementary School. One day, Mrs. Gatewood, my 3rd grade teacher recommended that I, a little black girl from the projects introduce DC’s newest Mayor, Marion Barry at his Inauguration Luncheon. Boy was I excited. I had to go up against a few other hopefuls but I was chosen! She and my mom helped me write my speech and I practiced and practiced and practiced some more because I wanted to be great. The day finally came and my mom and I set out to the event. That day I stepped up on that stage, confidently placed my speech on that podium, looked out into the audience and opened my mouth. My words rushed back to memory and I never once looked at that paper as my speech flowed through my voice box, floated past my tonsils, bid adieu to my tongue, glided between my lips and landed into my audience’s ears. It was so natural for me and I remember as I stood there about to close, hearing a small still voice whispering, “This is what you were born to do”. I was shaken out of my moment by the thunderous applause of the standing audience. God’s purpose had been implanted in me and at that very moment, I was impregnated with possibility.
At that time, I was innocent enough to believe I could do anything. My teachers told me I could, my principal, Mr. Brawner told me I could, my mom told me I could and my grandma told me I could. I believed that God wanted me to speak for Him. I believed that people were good and that being a kid was the best thing ever.
Filed under: Life
