It’s Not You, It’s Your Willpower

Almost everyone I know has suffered the frustration of setting a new goal for themselves only to watch it fizzle out. It ends up turning into a pity party with cries of, “I just don’t have any willpower.”  Maybe. Maybe not.

Kelly McGonigal has been studying willpower a Stanford University for years and she defines willpower as the ability to do what matters most, even when it’s difficult or there’s some part that you don’t want to do it. Constantly torn between doing what’s good for you in the long game, and doing what feels good right now, it is willpower that is gobbled up in the fight to do the right thing.

That battle between what will do you the most good in the end and what will give you the most pleasure in the present is constant and willpower is a human reality. But knowing that your willpower will be drained away by constant testing — today’s needs or tomorrow’s — means recognizing that how you frame your goal is just as important as the goal itself.

So many of us resolve to do stop doing something that’s not good for us, like eating Kit Kat bars by the handful. We resolved because we believe we should. We resolve because each time we look into the mirror we can see those Kit Kat bars looking back at us. I should make a budget. I should clean up my closet. I should really be more organized with my time. So many shoulds getting in the way of real progress, which is deeply dependent and making whatever it is you want to accomplish into a desire.

Push into the future. It’s now the end of this year and you’re looking back over what you’ve done with it. What change did you make that you’re most proud of? What does that sense of accomplishment feel like to you? How glad are you that you made that change?

Whether you’re considering taking up the guitar, committing to walking a mile a day, or eliminating the worst-for-you foods from your diet, seeing it as an accomplished goal and gluing it how it feels will make the end seem more real.

So what really matters to you? Do you wish you were spending more time with your best friend? Would reading more books be something that would bring you great joy? Want to take better care of your money?

Having pictured what you want and how it feels to have accomplished it, know that willpower is an exhaustible resource so you can’t do too many things at the same time or you’ll won’t do anything at all. And if you want to outsource some of your willpower, get a friend or four in on your goal, and ride the tide of their willpower when yours grows thin.

Don’t be above bribing yourself. As long as whatever you’re using as the bribe doesn’t conflict with the goal you’re trying to achieve, there’s nothing wrong with hanging that carrot out there. Take it slowly. Walking a mile the first day may not be how you get to walk a mile every day. Around the block will do if next week you go around the block twice.

I have a girlfriend who has been going to write a novel for EVER. I’ve tried to encourage her, but I think she sees the whole novel as one piece and that has been the barrier for her. I want to tell her that if she would only see the novel as single sentences, maybe paragraphs, the book would already be written!