Couples Who Stay Together Follow This One Rule

Now and then, a young couple comes to me for pre-marital counseling.

Over the years, I’ve tried to come up with a few things to talk about that might be meaningful and interesting. I do this somewhat reluctantly, knowing full well they’re so ga-ga about one another, there is only a slim chance they’ll remember anything I say.

Photo Credit: Sean McGrath, Creative Commons

They usually cuddle and hug while fairy dust sprinkles around their naïve little heads.

This is why there is a Dustbuster behind my couch.

Even so, I try to talk a little about issues that might come up down the road in their marriage. We explore their stories, their families, and the uniqueness of their upbringing. Eventually, I steer the conversation toward their understanding of conflict.

This is where it can get interesting. (Insert evil laugh here.)

I ask them to tell me what they learned about the art of conflict based on what they observed in their homes in their youth.

It’s a fascinating exercise and some interesting observations come out of it.

Some have never seen their parents argue.

Others lived in the midst of rage and chaos. Some felt the quiet tension of passive aggressive behavior, while others heard screams and dishes breaking as they hid in the closet. And many experienced something in between.

A few actually had healthy models where they witnessed their parents contending with issues as they moved toward resolve.

Underline the words a few.

I could write a book about the different ways people do conflict and suggestions on how to do it better. But remember, in this particular situation (with a young couple), they aren’t going to remember much.

Thus I say one thing about conflict, hoping against hope that it sticks to the walls of their cupid infused brains. And here is that one thing:

If an argument crosses over from anger to contempt, it needs to stop immediately.

Let me tell you what I mean.

Conflict and arguments are both inevitable and necessary in a marriage. Storyline Blog