Weird Pug Things: The Definitive Guide

Google “pug” and you will read that they are charming, even-tempered, fun-loving clowns. But there are some things about pugs that no one ever thinks to talk about. But me? I think about these things. And I’m going to tell you.

I’ve used my three pugs — Ozwald (1997-2007), Yolanda (2005-2015) and Phoebe (who we just brought home on May 3, 2015) — to create a handy benchmark chart of some of the kinds of things you can expect when you own a pug.

Trait
Ozwald


Yolanda


Phoebe


Farting
Like a boss
Almost never
Selective and deadly


Obsessive licking of the air

No

Is 30-40 minutes at a time obsessive?
No


Obsessive licking of the furniture and floor
No
Is 30-40 minutes at a time obsessive?
No


Obsessive licking of you
No
“Quit licking my boobs” was a common refrain in my house
No


Anal glands that leave potato-painting-like imprints on your clothes and stink like three-week-old unrefrigerated fish in the height of summer
Yes
Yes
Yes


Plays “crazy pug” (tail tucks under body, pug rounds itself until it looks like a bloated tick, runs around in zig-zag patterns then falls to ground in a heap after 20 seconds)
Yes
Yes
Yes


Snores
Like a freight train
Like two freight trains
Like a diesel bus


Displays food aggression around other animals
Insta-Cujo
Like Billy Idol, but mean
After two pugs, the cat has finally learned to stay away from the pug’s food dish, so we haven’t seen Phoebe flip her lid *yet*


Comes when called
Yes
Never
Never gets far away enough from me to need to be called


Runs the other way when called
No
Always
No


Bark sounds like The Hamburglar
Yes
Yes
Yes


Sleeps while sitting up
Yes
Yes, until she fell over
Yes


Would make nail trims a fight to the death
Yes. Was refused service at two grooming establishments.
No, but she liked it better than getting a thermometer up her butt
No, but shakes like a pudgy little leaf


Good on road trips
Even liked to sleep in a tent
I’d almost forget I had a dog in the car
As long as the air-con is cranked


Proficient at “pug love” (sits like mushy lump on lap)
Yes, except see “Anal glands” above
No (see above under “Obsessive licking”)
Yes, and makes happy pug sounds


Ears full of wax
Like the La Brea Tar Pits. Stock up on Q-Tips.


Brave and courageous
Afraid of rejection (but aren’t we all?)
Afraid of round metal pizza pan
Afraid of airplanes overhead, sneezes, parked cars, the vacuum cleaner, the microwave door and black-and-white tile flooring


Loyal and faithful
Always there for me. Sensed when I was depressed and stayed ridiculously close during those periods.
Even when she ran in the other direction, I always knew she’d come back. Because I had the food. And I knew how to rub her belly the way she really liked.
She’s been with me for a week, and she’s already Velcro


Forever changed my life for the better
YES
YES
YES

 Are you a pug owner? I’d love it if you shared something strange and/or lovable about your pug!

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