Overcoming Childhood Neglect and Abandonment: An Interview with Memoir Author Heather Siegel
Posted by Kathleen Pooler/@kathypooler with Heather Siegel/@SiegelHeather
“But better to get hurt by the truth than comforted by a lie.”~Khaled Husseini, Author
Child neglect or abandonment is a crisis in our society. The consequences can be devastating as emotionally-starved children grow into emotionally-starved adults. When these challenges can be overcome, it seems like a miracle. This is Heather Seigel’s story , Out From The Underworld. Joining the ranks of Frank McCourt, Mary Karr and Jeannette Walls, Heather’s memoir offers the stark realities of child neglect and abandonment–longing and motherlessness– while conveying resilience, courage and hope in the face of the unimaginable. I am pleased to interview Heather about her memoir and her writing experience.
My reviews can be found on Amazon, Goodreads, Shelfari, and LibraryThings
Welcome, Heather!
Memoir Author Heather Seigel
Overcoming Childhood Neglect and Abandonment
KP: Childhood neglect and abandonment are very difficult topics to comprehend and read about. I was fascinated by your ability to tell such a painful story with such candor and humor. Two questions in one here: What made you decide to write your story? How did you find your writer’s voice?
HS: Hi Kathy, and thanks for having me. I’m honored that you would add me to the list of such prestigious writers!
I think what initially made me consider writing my story was the fascination my friends seemed to have that my brother, sister and I had found a way to become “normal” after what we had been through. Long before I even considered writing, I would verbally tell bits and pieces of my story as it came up organically in conversation, and I would be surprised at how passionately people reacted to the material.
Once I got serious about writing I knew that this was a story I wanted to both tackle and commit to telling in one linear piece. What I didn’t anticipate is the tension that would occur between reliving the experiences and reflecting on them as an adult writer. That’s a tough place but also where the memoirist finds her voice. There was this experience I was writing about and then there was this experience of writing about it– from the perspective of who I am today—which can be a daunting task when you factor in the need for narrative drive and dialogue and reflection.
Maturity helped me find my voice too. For this particular story, I needed to reach a point in time when I was no longer emotionally attached to the situations I was writing about-- or at least to understand that I needed to explore them fairly. I couldn’t have written this book in my twenties, at least not as judiciously as I could in my forties.
KP: Memoir writers often fear repercussions from family members in revealing their truths. You tell your story with raw honesty. How were you able to summon the courage to reveal your past so openly?
HS:Well, I had it lucky in a way. Part of my story is that I am essentially estranged from a lot of the family I write about. My father, who I still see fairly often, was, and continues to be, a worry to me. The facts are the facts though, and I don’t think he would deny them—it’s my emotional response to them that I worry might be a bit painful for him to read. But I have to remind myself that living through those experiences was no cakewalk either. And there comes a moment when you realize you’re invalidating your own experiences by keeping silent.
That said, I think fairness is again in order when it comes to writing memoir. I wanted to portray my family and my surrogate mothers in all their complexity, bad and good, including even the most unsavory characters, like my first foster mother who I was deathly afraid of as a child. It’s not that I ever developed a fondness for her. It’s more that I knew, as an adult writer and as a human being, that no one is pure evil; even the devil used to be an angel. So, in writing about Joyce, I had to ask myself, “What were her good qualities?” She had to have some reason beyond money, for example, for wanting to take children in. And even if she didn’t, or I couldn’t recall what they were, I had to search for it—and I mean search for it on the page, even by just questioning what it could be. Conversely, the same goes for my “good” characters. No one is pure angel either. I think this idea came into play when I was writing about my second foster mother who I initially saw wearing a halo. I grappled with her ambiguity as I lived it, but as a memoirist, I also had to question on the page what my adult narrator thought her flip side might have been as well—something I managed to finally figure out when I had lunch with her grown daughter many years later.
Lastly, and maybe most importantly, I had to be honest about who I was. No one wants to read a story about a Pollyanna, and I was certainly not that type of girl anyway, so any chance I could find to question my own purity, I took.
KP: Finding the right structure for a memoir can be one of a memoirist’s greatest challenges. You used a prologue very effectively. How did you find your structure? Why did you decide to use a prologue?
HS: My story starts out pretty heavy, and I didn’t want to overload the reader with too much pain all at once. I wanted the reader to know, what you are about to read will be uncomfortable, but don’t worry- I’m okay! It’s all going to be okay! Maybe that’s the mother in me, or maybe that’s the anti- misery memoirist in me. I also considered the prologue as a sort of overture, a chance to touch on all the themes within.
KP: Memoir writing can be a daunting process because digging deeply into painful memories can be unpleasant to say the least. What strategies did you use to help yourself keep writing through the pain?
HS: Well, I allowed myself to feel it for sure. I went back to that place of loss and tried to make the sensory connections. I closed my eyes and remembered the way something made me feel, certain smells and sounds and all of that. I also went to some of these places physically to revisit them and to see what that might bring up. But—and I suspect I’m not alone on this– the pain wasn’t something that came up for me when I was writing so much as something that existed whether I was writing or not. I missed my mother, for example. Losing her had left a hole in me and it sucked and it hurt—that was true whether I was writing or just living. So I chose to see if I could make something of that on paper.
KP: What are your memoir takeaways, both for yourself and for your readers?
HS: If you are writing memoir, be honest; there’s no point otherwise. Also: read. Read every great memoir out there—beginning with the classics. Absorb and learn from them. Read books on writing memoir.
Memoir is a craft and an art form and its own universe.
If you are reading memoir, and you come across a gem, share it. You’re not just sharing a good book, you’re sharing a piece of the human experience.
KP: Do you have any memoir writing tips to share?
HS: Be clear. Say what you mean to say. And say it the way you would tell a friend the honest version of the events you are describing. You’d be surprised at how easy it is to find your voice that way.
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Thank you Heather for sharing your memoir and your writing process with us. You have provided us with many pearls to ponder in our own memoir writing process. Your powerful story conveys courage and resilience in the face of such painful circumstances. I am so happy you are living a good life now. Your story will be a beacon of light for anyone who has endured childhood neglect and abandonment.
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About the Author:
Heather Siegel earned her MFA in nonfiction from The New School and has been published at Salon.com as well as various trade magazines. A multi-faceted creative, she is founder of one of several independent businesses, including a coffeehouse, a café, an organic juice bar and a natural beauty bar.
Heather currently writes in a house full of light, where she lives with her husband and daughter.
Website: www.heathersiegel.net
Twitter: @SiegelHeather
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/heather.siegel.39
Ordering links:
http://www.amazon.com/Out-Underworld-Heather-Siegel-ebook/dp/B00UDDMUV6
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/out-from-the-underworld-heather-siegel/1121765861?ean=9780990619406 t
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25047534-out-from-the-underworld
BOOK SYNOPSIS
A basement apartment.
An undertaker.
Three resilient kids.
Thirty years after a series of absurd events, Siegel recalls the disappearance of her mother, abandonment by her undertaker father, and a decade of negotiating with surrogate parents.
Exploring the themes of longing and motherlessness, Heather captures the first half of her life in this subterranean story that rallies against a victim mentality.
With humor, insight, and Heather’s spunky refusal to allow circumstances control her destiny,
we follow her out from the underworld.
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Tweetables: {Click to Tweet}
“ .. tension between reliving the experiences & reflecting on them as an adult writer.“
“I went back to that place of loss and tried to make the sensory connections.”
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How about you? How do you write about painful childhood memories?
Heather has graciously offered to give away one paperback copy of her memoir to a commenter whose name will be selected in a random drawing.
We’d love to hear from you. Please leave your comments below~
Next Week:
Monday, 05/11/15: “Lessons About Tough Love From Mom: A Memoir Moment.”
Thursday, 05/14/15: “Finding Self-Forgiveness Through Memoir Writing.” A guest post for Cate Artios’ blog, Octopus Ink.Org.
