So my state, South Dakota, is bragging about how it’s not...

So my state, South Dakota, is bragging about how it’s not Mars.

“Hey, at least we’re not Mars!”

Kind of a strange thing to brag about, but oh well.

The people who do the advertising for this state have been smoking some fine Colorado bud of late. First there was the “Don’t Jerk And Drive” campaign that made it all the way to “The Daily Show”, which I guess is a show on tv that makes fun of Republicans or something. The “Don’t Jerk And Drive” campaign focused on South Dakota men who, like me, masturbate while driving on icy roads. Apparently, this is dangerous, even if you’re good at multi-tasking, like me. (Just plan ahead and make sure the Kleenex are right there handy on the dash.)

Then there was the “Party Santa” campaign, which warned us SoDakans that drinking and driving around Christmas was a bad idea. The rest of the year, go for it, but not at Christmas. Why, the roads are packed with people going to malls in a nationwide fit of orgiastic consumerism inspired by Jesus. The “Party Santa” campaign even had a little poem:

“‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and inside the jail,
Randy the Party Santa
sat drunken and pale.

Earlier that night,
after drinking whiskey & rye,
Randy tried to drive home
and got a D.U.I.”

Now we’re bragging about how we’re not a barren space rock: video.

It always cracks me up when people try to be “hip” and “edgy” because it always ends in a big failure. Simply TRYING to be hip and edgy proves you are not at all, even remotely, hip or edgy. It proves you are a dork.

South Dakota is many things–beautiful, clean, virtually crime-free–but hip and edgy it ain’t.

Why do you think we live here?