World Held to Ransom
Pingpong Diskpartition is ��� of course ��� chief head-boss CEO of the world���s leading producer of computer operating systems. Naturally, he is ��� thus ��� on the Most Wanted lists of all the world���s security services.
Speaking from a secret island location today, Diskpartition issued a stark warning to the world. He claimed that his organisation, Buggerupsoft, would soon be releasing a new version of its operating system on the world. That is unless the world���s government all give into Diskpartition���s demands for a ransom figure believed to be somewhere in the hundreds of billions. Some economists suggest this figure exceeds the combined debt of several European countries that are in the euro.
Of course, the world���s governments immediately tried responding in the usual way.
The UK secret service sent its top agent, with a licence to reformat hard drives, to Diskpartition���s secret island headquarters in the hope of stopping the unleashing of the operating system on the world. Unfortunately, John Bloke was using a previous version of the Buggerupsoft operating system on his highly classified secret fountain pen with built-in nuclear missiles and GPS. Inevitably, he ended up in Grimsby on a wet Thursday morning. Consequently, the British secret service has not heard from John Bloke since then.
The Russians also attempted an assassination of Diskpartition. Unfortunately, their agent ate the sandwiches from the wrong lunch box. This set off a worldwide nuclear alert when his body was buried at sea in the deepest part of the Atlantic Ocean.
North Korea also attempted to stop Diskpartition by hacking into Buggerupsoft���s computer system. However, they only managed to delete Diskpartition���s Netflix account and order several copies of the Frozen DVD to be sent to Diskpartition���s mother in law. Diskpartition immediately retaliated by releasing a satirical film about the North Korean leader. In Diskpartition���s film, the North Korean dictator is played by a constipated koala bear that is sexually assaulted by a duck-billed platypus as he inspects a biscuit factory. A factory that never ��� as yet ��� managed to produce a single edible biscuit for the North Korean people. However, instead the biscuit factory has managed to construct several nuclear missiles that almost launched. The factory also launched a spy satellite the North Korean news agency claim was designed by their glorious leader personally to operate below sea level in the South China Sea.
The Chinese government did report some success in controlling Diskpartition���s ambition when the renegade CEO tried outsourcing his minion operations to a call centre in China. However, the call centre systems did not work out too well as the minions could not respond in time to any Special Forces invasion of the secret island, so the contract was terminated.
The Americans did offer to invade the secret island and liberate it, in days, from the control of Diskpartition. However, the rest of the world���s governments declined the offer with thanks.
The EU, though, has come up with a plan, which many see as humanity���s last hope of staving off a new version of the operating system, possibly for ever.
The EU has promised to introduce several new regulations covering the sale, installation and use of any new computer operating systems. They claim these rules will make the system easier, fairer and more transparent. But as we all know the only true way to destroy anything is to let the EU regulators loose on it.
So maybe ��� after all ��� humanity has been saved from the curse of a new operating system by the actions of this marvellous organisation once again.
