The What Ifs…
As I get close to writing Tek and Quinn’s first love scene, I had to stop for a second.
Mostly to get my mind right. For them, my mind needs to be in the right zone. It’s not there.
But I was thinking about Tek last night. About how much I love him. Now, I adore all my dudes. And Quinn is giving Tek a run for his money when it comes to owning my heart. Sometimes I love Quinn more than I love Tek. But I’m all caught up in Tek and what makes him tick, his very complicated life, and all the battles and shit he’s had to overcome. So I’m thinking about that and making sure it’s all there at the forefront of my mind when time comes to write their sex.
Because our experiences color everything we do. Including how we love and accept being loved. How we give and accept pleasure. And Tek…
That boy…
He’s an expert at compartmentalizing his crazy, know what I mean? In Body You we saw absolutely NONE of that crazy, but as we’ll find, he was chest deep in it even THEN. His ability to do that astounds me. It’s like everything is packed away neatly in nice little boxes, all separate, none of it touching the other. None of his lives bleeding over into the other. Because son has like nine lives.
But you know me and you know I will make that fucker bleed out.
So we’re in the calm. The first half or so of this book will be the calm. Then I hit you with the storm just as you start sighing, talking ’bout ooh, they so in luh. Then we uncork the lid and out pops Tek’s crazy.
I’m salivating. For real.
I’m still not definite on who he is regarding his love of wearing women’s clothes. Sometimes I think I do and then poof, that disappears. I still do not know. Handling that topic is fucking with me. I have to do it justice, I have to make it believable. I have to make it real, organic, and about Tek. Not about what you want or what you expect.
And you want to know something?
That’s so much easier said than done.
I’ll share with you the big worries I have for this book. I have worries about all my books. I put them in two groups, the Big Worries, and the Small Worries. Small worries are things like sex and how much to have, making sure it’s up to my trademarked standards. Is it hot enough, will the reader need wet wipes and a cigarette? Shit like that.
That’s the small stuff. I don’t sweat it too much.
The big stuff. Now that’s got me chewing on my nails and pulling my hair out.
In this instance, the big stuff has to do with:
*Tek’s love of playing dress up. Is it much more than him just having a thing for it? I haven’t definitively answered that question yet.
*The relationship between Tek and Elias. I have to put them in a room together, and I am dreading it. Like, if I could get away with them never seeing each other in this book I would. But nope, because (reasons).
*The plot. Take away the romance. The topic I’m tackling here is heavy duty, and I have to do it justice. How to make it all come together is damn daunting. Knowing what I have to do and actually doing it so you’ll get—and understand—it, are two entirely different things.
*I mentioned the foreshadowing of stuff.
I’m using this book as a vehicle for my next series. The characters you’ve already met and want to know more about. So merging all of it here has to be smooth and not inserted in some corner just because I want to lead you into the next series.
Feel me?
So how to do all of that while not overpowering the characters, while not reducing them to supporting roles, it’s difficult.
This is just me putting what’s in my head down, for both of us to see. You and I. Believe it or not, it actually helps when I put my fears and worries down like this. It frees me up, eases the problem some, and allows me some room to travel down the What If road.
That’s how my books all come together, you know.
What if I have two suicidal men fall in love? And what if they’re each other’s weakness? What if loving each other makes them vulnerable together? What if they can’t make it work, can’t find ground smooth enough to build something on? What if one of them is burdened down with secrets he refuses to unload on the man he says he loves? And what if that man decides they’re better apart, that they’re toxic together?
What if everything explodes, the secrets, the lies, and danger threatens the love these men never wanted, but have anyway?
Tek unleashes the crazy, that’s what. And nobody wants to be around when Tek unleashes the crazy.
