I’m Not the Only One

I came here to write about friendship and mistakes and apologies, and all I can think about is how much I want to sleep.

Does that mean my friendship, the one that’s been on my mind, has exhausted me? Or does it mean it’s just a secondary thought now, something I hardly need to expend energy on?

I’m just not sure, but I think it’s the first option.

I often struggle to let go of relationships. I want to fix everything and remain loyal. Yet, I’ve learned this tendency can also be incredibly debilitating. So, in this case, I’ve chosen to NOT fix everything, to let the relationship sit in disrepair and wait for the other person – who has truly and completely hurt me over the last year – to try to fix it.

Funny, I think she wants to forget about the pieces she broke and move forward. And while I’d love to rebuild our friendship, I just can’t do it without an acknowledgement of the hurt. Because I suffered and deserve an apology.

It’s just that simple.

Yet here we are, at the age of 32, and apologies and hurts aren’t simple. We still fight guilt and shame, just as we did when we were younger.

Does this process of humbling ourselves ever get easier? Or do we always fight the fact that our mistakes make us human, that facing them and facing the truth actually allows us to continue growing? My soul is nourished more when I say “hey, I fucked up,” than it is when I completely disregard an experience.

And I know I’m not the only one.