saying goodbye to a member of the family

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I just watched my husband carry our dog Sweety from our house to the car for the last time. It's a long way down a bunch of steps and Sweety is about 70 pounds at least. As they were getting ready to go Sweety stood up in the back of the car which made it worse for me because recently whenever I see the slightest sign of pain-free normalcy all I can think is "Let's just wait a little bit longer."
 
But the reality is that Sweety has only been staying alive because of steroids. We always swear we won't use meds on our dogs but then that moment arrives where they are perfectly healthy and aware -- perfect blood work tests are all normal etc. -- but their legs just won't work anymore and they can't get around. Next thing you know I'm shouting out "Steroids please!" just so they can walk.
 
So they stay alive longer but do the medications make their life better? I really don't know because they don't cry out in pain or frustration.  
 
All of this was running through my mind as my husband started the car. Then I watched them drive off. Sweety was at least 15 years old.
 
I'm crying as I write this. I know it's a better thing that his spirit will be free now and he'll no longer be disoriented and falling down struggling for breath and waking up covered in his pee or pooh. But it is devastating for me. I am grieving my loss. I miss him already.
 
The last few hours before we said goodbye we just lay together. He was so calm and seemed so peaceful with his head on my lap and in my hands that I kept thinking "Maybe I'm wrong…"  It was all just so sweet I couldn't believe it was about to go from this bliss to being over just like that.
 
In my heart I believe there's nothing worse than taking a life. It's the belief that has guided so many of the most meaningful choices in my life and that's what makes it so hard for me to know how to deal with it when I see my own animals' lives prolonged unnaturally with meds. Sweety couldn't tell me if he was in pain and every day as I carried his 70 pound body up and down stairs and cleaned up after his new found incontinence I started to wonder and feel anxious afraid that I was keeping him alive in a life of suffering because I was being too selfish to let go. At the same time I would never want to betray his will to live or give up on him or let him down. Trying to do the right thing in between those choices when your dog is quickly declining can tear you apart. So with this incredibly deep sadness there's also relief that it's over. I know it was time.
 
Two years ago I lost my best friend Sampson. I had to take his life too. In hindsight I let Sampson live on way too long – far past what was comfortable or bearable for him but I just loved him so much I didn't want to see that it was time. On that day I went with him to the vet's. I've never been able to get the image of Sampson taking his last breath in my arms out of my mind and unfortunately I sometimes think I remember that more than all our sweet years together. I cry every time I think of it even two years later. I just didn't want to leave him. I felt like I was betraying him by leaving him there at the vet's.
 
But this time my husband didn't want me to come. He wanted it to be different and he wanted to protect me. Let's face it: I don't do well in this department at all!
 
I think it's crucial to have a tribe member surrounded by another who loves them when they pass. I'm so grateful that my husband will be there to hold him and give him all his love as he takes his last breath. I feel terrible admitting I'm not there but I know my husband is right about this. I think I will go with him next time but this was just too close to my last passing with Sampson.
 
I wonder how all of you out there deal with this when it happens for you? How do you feel about meds for your dogs? How do you handle going with them or not when it's time to say goodbye?
 
I can't stop thinking about Sweety's face almost excited to be in the car again after such a long time while my husband and I cry as the two of them drive off.
 
I love you Sweety. Goodbye you sweet man!