A Childless Life
Once again today my husband got the, "Oh, you should become a parent, then you'd understand...." nonsense from someone with children.
As a childless couple we run across this kind of discrimination a lot. People are constantly telling you that you won't or can't understand this or that until you have kids. They treat you as if you're naive and stupid. As if you haven't grown up yet, or like you're defective or selfish (the "selfish" bit is my favorite). They offhandedly make snotty comments or assumptions without realizing how hurtful and annoying said comments are.
Why? Because we're a society of breeders and child-worshipers. It is assumed that in this life we'll all pair off, squirt out a few children, then grow old and die and the cycle will repeat. Some people - that's all they offer society is their spawn. They serve no other function in life, so their children are their crowning moment. It's the only thing worthwhile they've ever done. Hence the reason they really get down on those of us without children.
Imagine how it is to live in our society as someone who doesn't want kids, can't have them, or who can't afford to adopt them (as those who hear you can't have kids always throw out there: "Well just adopt," as if it's easy and affordable).
Those of you who know me know how hard it was for me when I found out we couldn't have kids. You know the pain we went through going through the infertility treatments. You also know how extensively we discussed and looked into adoption and that we ultimately decided it was up to fate.
Don't get me wrong - we're not anti-child. Never have been. If we end up with a kid or two, great. But if not - the world isn't going to end. What I'm against is being treated like I'm inferior because I don't have children. I'm tired of being singled out to work late and on weekends because "You don't have a family!" Umm, yes, actually I DO have a family. I have a husband, nieces and nephews, siblings, parents, etc... No children does not equal no family. Nor does it equal no life.
Because I don't have children does not mean I don't understand this thing or that thing.
A. I was a child myself once.
B. I observe human behavior.
C. I have nieces and nephews.
D. I have deductive reasoning skills.
E. I have empathy (the ability to put myself in someone else's position)
Please tell me - what don't I understand? How to put others before myself? If that's your answer - wrong. I often put others before myself and put in a position where my nieces and nephews are concerned - I would absolutely put them before myself. The only thing I haven't experienced for myself is getting up every two hours to feed and change a baby. However - I have had the trots really bad and had to get up ever 15-20 minutes to use the bathroom. I imagine it's something like that, only less dehydrating and probably not as crampy.
Because I don't have children does not mean I have no reason to live. I've learned (I have many friends who are mothers - I learn from their experiences, imagine that) that many women who have children often have to find an identity outside being a mother once their kids are grown. The difference between me and a mother - my circumstances have allowed me to develop my self identity early on. Which means I've had more time to concentrate my efforts in my interests and career. And no - while a career is no substitute for people, with my career I am the mother of all I create. Like a mother leaves behind her legacy in a child - I leave my legacy for future generations in the books I write. I think it's a fair comparison.
I also get annoyed when people "feel sorry" for me or try to pawn their kids off on me as if that will make up for my infertility. Please don't. I've learned to accept and live my childless life on my own terms and I've learned to be happy where I am. You feeling sorry for me only makes me feel sorry for you for being so naive to think my sun rises and falls around being childless. You shoving your kids on me only annoys me. When I want to be around your kids, I'll let you know.
As a childless couple we run across this kind of discrimination a lot. People are constantly telling you that you won't or can't understand this or that until you have kids. They treat you as if you're naive and stupid. As if you haven't grown up yet, or like you're defective or selfish (the "selfish" bit is my favorite). They offhandedly make snotty comments or assumptions without realizing how hurtful and annoying said comments are.
Why? Because we're a society of breeders and child-worshipers. It is assumed that in this life we'll all pair off, squirt out a few children, then grow old and die and the cycle will repeat. Some people - that's all they offer society is their spawn. They serve no other function in life, so their children are their crowning moment. It's the only thing worthwhile they've ever done. Hence the reason they really get down on those of us without children.
Imagine how it is to live in our society as someone who doesn't want kids, can't have them, or who can't afford to adopt them (as those who hear you can't have kids always throw out there: "Well just adopt," as if it's easy and affordable).
Those of you who know me know how hard it was for me when I found out we couldn't have kids. You know the pain we went through going through the infertility treatments. You also know how extensively we discussed and looked into adoption and that we ultimately decided it was up to fate.
Don't get me wrong - we're not anti-child. Never have been. If we end up with a kid or two, great. But if not - the world isn't going to end. What I'm against is being treated like I'm inferior because I don't have children. I'm tired of being singled out to work late and on weekends because "You don't have a family!" Umm, yes, actually I DO have a family. I have a husband, nieces and nephews, siblings, parents, etc... No children does not equal no family. Nor does it equal no life.
Because I don't have children does not mean I don't understand this thing or that thing.
A. I was a child myself once.
B. I observe human behavior.
C. I have nieces and nephews.
D. I have deductive reasoning skills.
E. I have empathy (the ability to put myself in someone else's position)
Please tell me - what don't I understand? How to put others before myself? If that's your answer - wrong. I often put others before myself and put in a position where my nieces and nephews are concerned - I would absolutely put them before myself. The only thing I haven't experienced for myself is getting up every two hours to feed and change a baby. However - I have had the trots really bad and had to get up ever 15-20 minutes to use the bathroom. I imagine it's something like that, only less dehydrating and probably not as crampy.
Because I don't have children does not mean I have no reason to live. I've learned (I have many friends who are mothers - I learn from their experiences, imagine that) that many women who have children often have to find an identity outside being a mother once their kids are grown. The difference between me and a mother - my circumstances have allowed me to develop my self identity early on. Which means I've had more time to concentrate my efforts in my interests and career. And no - while a career is no substitute for people, with my career I am the mother of all I create. Like a mother leaves behind her legacy in a child - I leave my legacy for future generations in the books I write. I think it's a fair comparison.
I also get annoyed when people "feel sorry" for me or try to pawn their kids off on me as if that will make up for my infertility. Please don't. I've learned to accept and live my childless life on my own terms and I've learned to be happy where I am. You feeling sorry for me only makes me feel sorry for you for being so naive to think my sun rises and falls around being childless. You shoving your kids on me only annoys me. When I want to be around your kids, I'll let you know.
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