Brainwrecked

I was involved in a brainwreck yesterday.

Yes, that's what I said, a brainwreck.

Before this ride begins, I must thank the Texas Association of Authors for their participation and planning of my brainwreck.

After a grueling seven hour drive to a beautiful place well worth it, I had my first book signing yesterday.

Of course, I was nervous.

Of course, I hoped for a huge success--which made me more nervous.

I've never read my work to strangers before... to myself out loud, but never to strangers.

I had no idea what to expect.

I researched and planned and researched and questioned and then brainwrecked.

This quaint, welcoming, little bookstore on an island in South Texas was the most wonderful place for my first signing of The Gifted Ones The Dream. I believe in meant-to-be's and mysterious ways and all of those other wonderful, mystical ideals that fantasy writers delve into. I believe that when Houston took too long to respond and forced me to choose another location--Paragraphs Bookstore on South Padre Island-- that it wasn't my self longing to return to a beautiful place remembered from my youth. It was a higher order leading me to that selection. I believe, it was meant-to-be.

The fabulous, inspiring, intelligent conversation and connection that happened between all parties involved was definitely worth more than anything else on the trip--well, it was right up there with my happy toes in the wet sand on the beach.

The communion between minds so similar and so different, of beliefs so incredible and passionate, of prophesy from past and present became the centerpiece of a "sort of" roundtable between readers and author.

I am a writer, yet after this event I find myself grasping for ways to explain how I felt when I left South Padre Island (which I now refer to as the Greenwich Village of Texas). I couldn't even put it into words for my husband on the grueling seven hour drive home! When he asked what I was thinking about, I could only tell him that I couldn't explain it. As I write this, tears blur my vision over the amount of creative stimulation I received during that two hour signing.

I am overwhelmed.

I want to run away from that which overwhelms me, but I won't.

That creative stimulation... that beautiful conversation that left me brainwrecked... is forcing a decision and letting go will not be easy, for we type A personalities love control and responsibility.

Yet, this time in my career has been coming.

I've known it.

I've fought it.

I've feared it.

I've reasoned out it.

I've distracted myself with various other activities to forget it.

I've made stupid decisions to sabotage it.

I've been responsible all of my life.

I've taken chances in every aspect of my life except my career.

I've overworked myself to the point of losing every precious moment with those I love.

Maybe I'm just tired this morning, but tears trickle from the corners of eyes as I remember the conversation, remember the self discoveries on the drive home, and consider what must happen in order for me to effect the change that is coming in my career.

I know what to do.

I have been brainwrecked, and I must start over.

Off-track synapses are firing out of control as energies fill me!

There's no more pretense that I can do it all.

The many years of struggle trying to find out who I am and how to get where I've longed to be have ended.

I am a writer.

It was meant to be.