Big lizard in my backyard; can't afford to feed him anymore. Big lizard in my backyard; busting down my neighbor’s door.

So I’m sitting at the hiring kiosk, applying for a job, and a guy who was sweeping a ways off, swept up to me and said, “Full beards aren’t allowed, just so you know.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“If you get an interview, I’d recommend shaving. Goatees and moustaches are allowed, but not full beards.”

“But my beard is religious. If I shave, I’ll go to hell.”

“What religion is that?”

“I worship Odin, the One-eyed God.”

“Is that new?”

“New?”

“Yeah, did they just come up with it, like Scientology or Mormonism?”

“It’s older than Christianity.”

“I’m Presbyterian, myself.”

“You’re from Presbyteria?”

“No, that’s my religion. Who’s Odin?”

“He’s the One-eyed God. He lives in the suburbs of Oslo and we named Wednesday after him.”

He paused for a moment, wrinkling his forehead. “Well,” he admitted, “people can worship how they want, I guess.”

“Amen, brother.”

He swept away, a little sadly it seemed. Inside of a week, I was arranging apples into pyramids and trimming the brown shit off celery; fully bearded.

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Published on April 13, 2015 18:41
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