My Shell
We ended up spending a few more days at the sacred site, which was good because I really wasn’t ready to face the throng of people I knew would be waiting for us when we arrived at my uncle’s castle. I’ve learned over time that grief is one of those things, that even if you are struggling with it, people don’t want to know. They are fine with feeling bad momentarily for you, but nobody wants to feel bad or hurt. When you are still grieving and the world around you isn’t, you must learn to apply a shell around yourself, like make up. It hides your imperfection from the world so everyone else can move on with their lives even though you feel like yours is stuck in concrete.
My morning routine has been the same for the last four days. Get up, go to the hot springs to bathe with Fairwynn. Then come back to camp where people hang out, laugh and read. I pretend to laugh, I pretend to enjoy the moment, and often I do read just to avoid social interactions. Once a day I am able to sneak off by myself and explore the woods. The first day or two Ian followed along behind me, but yesterday he let me go on my own and today will be the same.
I put on my biggest smile to the group and stretch tall. I ask if I can snag a bottle of wine and some food. People happily laugh and hand it over. I carefully tuck it into my bag with the cloak. Then with a well-rehearsed laugh I announce to the group that I am going to go on an adventure for a few hours. Tallyn makes me promise to stay within the safety of the sanctuary and I always agree. Then without a backward glance, I turn and trot off into the woods.
This time was different though. I had no wish to leave the sanctuary, but headed directly to the Fairy Circle with the stone. Once there, I spread out a picnic blanket and sat with my food and a copy of “Le Morte D’Arthur”. I sipped and snacked as I read about a time when a man was only as good as his word. When knights still stood for chivalry. I leaned back against the boulder. It felt warm against my body. Everything felt warm these days. My eyes grew heavier and I knew if I could just get a little sleep I would be able face the others again with renewed vigor.
Darkness swirled around me behind my closed lids. The faint scent of sandalwood and vanilla tempted me and relaxed me. In the silent darkness all my despair floated away and I felt warm. For the first time in weeks I was warm. The darkness wrapped around me and embraced me, to the point where nothing else mattered. It was there in perfect darkness I heard the beat of a heart. “Thump thump… thump thump… thump thump.” I rested my hand against my chest, realizing the beat was my own, though it seemed to surround me. Oh how easy it would be to stay like this forever, I thought as I slipped further away.
“Lady Alizeyah!” I heard my name called, but it was so far away. “Kat, Kat come back to us.” The words were gentle but the shaking was not. The darkness faded away to the world around me. Ian and Tallyn were on either side of me. Looks of concern were on both their faces. “C’mon beautiful, come back.” I blinked up at Ian and felt myself give him a half-drunk grin.
“I fell asleep,” I explained.
Tallyn ran his hands over me, pulling back and swearing about how cold I was. Ian wrapped me in “my” cloak and lifted me against his chest. I snuggled in against him, still not ready to face the world. I enjoyed his warmth as he spoke to me in hushed tones. When we returned to camp he sank to the ground beside the fire with me still cradled in his arms. I mumbled unintelligibly at him as he rubbed his hands over me, hoping the friction would warm me up. “Shhhh. You scared us when you didn’t come back for hours. When we found you, you were cold as ice and barely breathing. Where did you think you were going?” he asked.
“Someplace warm where I didn’t have to feel anything.”
He stared down at me for a moment before looking at Tallyn and Maerryn. They decided then and there to return to the castle at first light. It was a two day ride from here, but getting me into the care of Grelyem was of the utmost importance.
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Two days of hard riding had brought us to the castle gates. It sat on the edge of a cliff overlooking the ocean, its luminescent white wall shining brightly. The sky was a backdrop of watercolored pinks, golds, and oranges as the sun began to sink in the distance. The sight was so lovely it almost brought tears to my eyes. “It’s beautiful,” I whispered. Tallyn who was seated on his horse beside me, beamed.
“It is, and the most beautiful part of all is within. For there I will find Lily.” Without another word he spurred his horse on over the drawbridge, through the gate, and up towards the keep.
Others who were excited to be returning home outpassed us as I slowed down . Ian took the slower pace with me and accompanied me into the keep.
The main hall shone brightly with lights dancing from the windows above. On a raised throne sat an Elf with striking features. His green eyes were so intense they glittered like emeralds even from across the room. Tallyn and Maerryn approached the King, then dropped to their knees to pay respect. When they rose they were crushed in monstrous hugs by their father. I watched as as Tallyn gathered a dark hair woman into his arms. Her stomach was swollen with child and she smiled radiantly as he leaned down to capture her mouth in a kiss. I looked away.
Those who had arrived before us were welcomed home in turn. Ian stepped forward and dropped to his knee, and then was overrun by the pregnant woman, who hugged him tightly. Finally it was my turn. The entire hall seemed to hold its breath as I approached the throne. I dropped to one knee and crossed an arm across my chest before standing. “It is an honor to meet you, your majesty. I am Princess Alizeyah of Everbloom, Lady of the Dragons of Drakemoore, Magistrate for the High Council of the OAC, and your niece, the daughter of King Leonide and Lady Jura.”
King Naelym stepped down from his throne and came to me, wrapping his arms around me in a loving embrace. “You have the look of your father. Welcome to your ancestral home, child. You are welcome and safe here.”
Taking a deep breath, I produced a smile and thanked him the best I could. “I look forward negotiating a final true peace between our Kingdoms, Uncle. Thank you for your hospitality, but it has been a long few months for me. If you wouldn’t mind, I would like to retire to my chambers, clean up, and get some rest.”
He took my hand in his and patted it lovingly. “Yes child, please do that. I will see to having some maids sent to you along with some dinner. I know my sons have some concerns for your health. I will send the royal physician to tend to you as well. I will see you in the morning when you are ready to break your fast.”
I excused myself with a curtsy and followed the young maid who led me to my chambers. “I hope you will be comfortable here, Princess. I was told this was the Prince Leonide’s chambers before he left the palace. Normally this is where the King stashes Queen Mabb when she comes to visit her granddaughter – it is quiet over here and she likes the peace.
The room was filled with finely-carved golden wood. There was a large four post bed, a pale blue sofa with a table and chairs, an entire wall of bookshelves, and a large desk facing a wall of windows. Above the entrance was a portrait of an Elf with large green eyes, golden brown hair, and a slight quirk to his smile. It was almost a painting of Aiden, and for the first time I could see my resemblance to my father. Somehow, it gave me peace. The maid, who had introduced herself as Jess, looked from the portrait to me and back again. “Princess, I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but you look a great deal like your father.” I gave her the first genuine smile I had in weeks. She smiled back. “This chamber is a bit unusual compared to the others. You must pass through the closet to get to the bathroom. If you follow me, I will show you.”
I nodded to her and motioned for her to lead the way. The “closet” was the size of my first apartment in Asia. At the back of it was another door of golden wood. I pushed it open to see a beautiful oasis of white and grey marble that seemed to almost glow. A sunken tub that could just about double as a swimming pool sat at the center. The room was a half-circle, at the top of a tower that overlooked the ocean. The outer wall was made entirely of glass. “This is breathtaking, Jess.” She smiled.
She started to leave, then stopped, turning to look back. “There are curtains at either side of the wall if you wish to close the view. Your maids should be up shortly to introduce themselves, as should Grelyem. If there is anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please let us know.”
