Beards cause problems? Who knew?

Problem: How to describe a character’s beard without sounding like a barber textbook.

This one is for us writer’s to tangle with. As this awesome chart indicates, not all beards are the same. Different lengths, intricate angles, without the inclusion of the mustache, with the inclusion of the mustache… You get the idea.

Let’s say a hot guy character has some nice scruff on his lower jaw but he’s cleaned up the strays on his upper cheeks. Does the writer need to include a high level of detail in that description? Nah. A simple note of the dark shadow or the woman’s desire to run her fingertips across the bristles will take care of it.

But what if the hot guy has a nice mustache and well-trimmed growth over his chin. Many people refer to this simply as a goatee; however, to be accurate goatee refers only to the hair on the chin. So to describe this character accurately, and correctly, the writer would need to say goatee with mustache. Mmmm…that’s kind of distracting. Too many words. Want a shorter option? The correct term for this arrangement is circle beard. Um, yeah. We’re still talking about the same guy, with the same awesome facial hair but using the words ‘circle beard’ kind of throws things off. Want another option? The circle beard is also called a door knocker. Oh. That’s not making things better, is it?

So readers, if you’re ever wondering why you aren’t getting specific details on the hero’s facial hair, or all the guys sound the same with their rough stubble or neatly-trimmed jaw line its because we writers are doing our best to save you from accurate terms such as ducktail, anchor or bandholz.

Another problem: How to kiss a guy with a beard without getting a ‘tash rash.

Here’s where city girls can learn from their country sisters.

Everyone knows the trend of guys having beards–long, short, full, trimmed, totally wild, you name it–came from the country. County dudes have been wearing beards for forever. Don’t believe me? Try watching any movie or television show set in the country. Then compare what you see on the screen to what you see on the city streets. Nuf said, ‘cause there’s your proof. So, it makes sense that country girls have the 411 on dealing with this itchy situation.

Here’s what you do:

Coat your face with lotion before for the smooching starts.

Sound unromantic? No worries. Embrace some hipster irony and use the country cure-all for skin irritations–Bag Balm. Yep. Bag Balm. The stuff that comes in the cute green and red square tin. Yep, with the clovers and cow head on top. Don’t have any on hand? No worries. Just go ask a dairy farmer for some. He’ll have it on hand because what Bag Balm is actually for is treating cow udders after milking. Bonus to rubbing it all over your face before you start locking lips? If you have any stitches the Bag Balm will loosen them up so you can pull them out yourself. Later, of course. There are many other very practical uses for this awesome ointment but you’re getting the idea.

Thinking rubbing your face with cow udder cream all sounds a bit too country? Prefer something more citified?

How about soy milk? Soak a washcloth in soy milk then hold it to your skin for five minutes.  Then apply some aloe. Then hydrocortisone cream. Do that a couple times a day. ‘Cause you have time for that and it’ll make you smell nice and not ruin your makeup at all.

Okay. So maybe you don’t want to layer your face with oily ointment and you don’t have time to lay around with a soy-milk soaked washcloth on your face a couple times a day. Here’s another thing to try: ask your guy to grow his beard longer. Long, like Santa’s. Because kissing Santa would be so hot. If your guy is worried about looking like a hipster or actual bumpkin with his long, Santa beard, suggest you both move out to the country where things such as men with long scraggly beards are commonplace.

No, you won’t be able to get any good sushi but on the bright side your guy, with his new rugged, rowdy beard, will fit right in. And if he decides to trim it later, Bag Balm will be easier to find and coating your face with it before kissing won’t seem odd or awful at all.

So yeah, beards cause problems. But we’re all okay with that.