How to Negotiate Nicely Without Being a Pushover

We all want it both ways: to get what we want from a tough negotiation and to walk away with our relationship intact. The good news is that kind of outcome is possible. But how exactly do you drive a hard bargain while also employing soft skills? How do you advocate for what you want without burning important bridges?

What the Experts Say

A negotiation is “a courtship, a dance,” says Michael Wheeler, a professor at Harvard Business School and author of The Art of Negotiation: How to Improvise Agreement in a Chaotic World. “But you don’t have to compromise and settle for less in order to maintain good relations.” Jeff Weiss, a partner at Vantage Partners, a Boston-based consultancy specializing in corporate negotiations and relationship management, and author of the HBR Guide to Negotiating, agrees. People think they either have to be nice in order to spare hard feelings, or overly tough in order to win, he says. But that’s “a false dichotomy and an incredibly dangerous one.” Here’s how to negotiate to produce a lasting relationship and an outcome that works for you.

Make small talk

“Don’t rush to the substance,” says Weiss. “Introduce yourself, and take a little time to get to know people, how they operate, and how they act.” This chitchat can often provide crucial information about the other side’s interests that might help you later. It also helps establish a rapport, and sometimes even trust: In a Stanford University study, students who were required to make small talk before a negotiation were significantly more likely to come to agreement than those students who weren’t. The conversation needn’t be personal, either. It could be about process — like how long the talks should take, and how the other side tries to involve stakeholders — which still gives you context that might prove useful. Making smart small talk “is where the great negotiators really shine,” says Wheeler.

Don’t try to buy love

When an important business relationship is on the line, there’s a tendency to cave to the other side’s demands in order to avoid tension or confrontation. But “money does not necessarily buy you love,” says Wheeler. Conceding on price or substance because you don’t want to upset the other party is a losing scenario, even if you think you’ve temporarily saved the relationship. “In reality, you haven’t gained anything, you didn’t build trust, and you’ve taught the other side to negotiate that way,” says Weiss. Pushing back in a professional way needn’t be seen as combative. You can “challenge people respectfully,” says Weiss.

Further Reading




How to Negotiate with Someone More Powerful than You

Negotiations Article

Carolyn O’Hara

Buck up and get results.