I’m Still Young – And Apparently Still Thinking About It
Written by the illustrious Jay Swanson
All of this makes sense if you read my last post.
I don’t know if you follow the speculative fiction world, or how closely, but there’s a raging controversy going on right now concerning something called “slate voting,” how it affects this year’s nominees for the Hugo Awards, and how it’s been organized by a group called the “Sad Puppies.” I’m not making that up.
I won’t go into the details – just Google “Sad Puppies Hugos” and you can educate yourself really quickly (GRRM’s personal take on it was particularly enlightening).
Reading up on it all brought me back to the thought that has been circling my brain for the last year or two, one I have yet to fully articulate. In my last post I talked about how grateful I am to be growing, because as I look back I realize just how little I knew and can therefore I assume I’m still bathing in my own ignorance. Thankfully I appear to be on a decent trajectory. This controversy over SF/Fantasy’s oldest and most prestigious award has proven to me just how little I really know all over again.
And this is why I have trouble blogging. Why I write stories in place of blogs now just to get anything out on a regular basis. Because I know that I know squat. I have so little to offer – on writing, literature, history – on anything of value really. Someday I hope to be experienced, refined, and conversant in everything that my literary heroes seem to be (try getting through anything by C.S. Lewis without feeling enlightened). I look forward to leaning in, offering perspective in the midst of a storm, and then getting back to writing my next bestseller.
I’m not there yet.
Perhaps I’m too hard on myself – maybe I really do have something of substance to offer – but the majority of people my age writing blogs don’t seem to. Not when compared to our elders. Most of what we write is fluff. There’s a reason for that.
Wisdom can only come with experience. Experience requires time. Therefore those who have accrued more time stand a better chance of developing and supplying wisdom. I have a lot of experience for a man my age, I won’t downplay where I’ve been or what I’ve seen, but I know that I have yet to sift through the chaos and come up with fully-formed thoughts.
I would say I’m stuck in listening-mode 95% of the time since developing this sense of self-aware paralysis. I’ll stand up when I really feel I know something, which definitely happens on occasion, but I’m generally trying to be a rational sponge. I feel far too young to speak in the midst of many a conversation.
When I was living in Africa, blogging was easy because I was relating stories. There was a lot of reflection in it, but that was to be expected for a volunteer living on a hospital ship. There was a lot upon which to reflect.
In pursuing a career in writing I feel pressure to produce nuggets that are worth reading on a consistent basis. “Dance monkey.” I see a lot of people [across genres and careers] gaining their followings this way – but a lot of those people offer very little of real value (in my very humble opinion). There’s just a lot of fluff.
One of my favorite books of all time (and exceptions to what I just wrote) is Rework – by Jason Fried and David Heinemeier Hansson. Why? Because they cut out all of the fluff. They even cut out tons of stuff that was probably very helpful, all to keep it concise. They had learned a lot in building a successful business, and they kept to what they knew was truly their wisdom to give. Every word had an impact of its own. I found it enrapturing (which is not a bad review for a tech-startup business book).
Books like this are rare. Blogs like this moreso.
At the same time, there’s a lot of noise out there. There are a lot of people vying for attention for attention’s sake – or at least they appear to – and do so in such a flurry of activity that I don’t feel it’s tenable as a career. I don’t want to be like that, though I certainly feel the pressure to try. I don’t want to demean anyone who’s working their tail off on a track like what I’m describing – to be honest, Into the Nanten is nothing if not a flurry of activity – but what’s been tugging me further and further from trying to blog has been that ever-present “Who cares?”
If I can’t answer that, then perhaps I shouldn’t be blogging.
TL;DR
I guess I’ve decided to accept my youth – 30 years in – and look to my elders to feed me instead of trying to do the feeding. That’s what they’re there for, after all, and a lot of them are quite good at it. I can feed the masses when it’s my turn. In the meantime I’ll continue to tell the stories I’m capable of. I’ll grow, I’ll learn, I’ll make mistakes, and then I’ll start all over.
Perhaps I’ll share a little from real life as I go along, but there’s plenty of time for that when I’m old and wizened. Right now I want to make friends, find mentors (whether or not they realize they’re mentoring me), and grow. I’ll spout wisdom when I’m good and ready.
The post I’m Still Young – And Apparently Still Thinking About It appeared first on jayswanson.me.
