Short Story : Jacob's Bladder
Jacob would do anything to impress a girl, but variety shows were where he generally drew the line. He hated stand up comics, magicians annoyed him, puppets were creepy, and amateur singers were just so bad it made him cringe.
So why was he sitting down in the audience for The Great Hidouni, allegedly the world’s most famous hypnotist?
That’s right, to impress a girl.
“Isn’t this exciting?” Morag said, clinging to Jacob’s arm as they sat patiently in the front row.
“Extremely,” Jacob lied, hoping that something would happen that would mean they had to leave and go somewhere else.
He’d been trying to get Morag to go out with him for almost six months, ever since she first started working with him at the bank, and finally she’d found a window in her schedule and suggested they go and see The Great Hidouni. She was a huge fan, and loved his TV specials, so had always wanted to see him live. She seemed to enjoy the dark humour that he used in his shows, but Jacob just thought he was creepy.
Morag grinned up at Jacob. She was extremely pretty and, apart from the fact that she had such a terrible name as Morag, was just about as perfect a female specimen as Jacob had ever met. Her eyes shone in the dim theatre lighting, her perfect teeth sparkled when they appeared in a brilliant smile behind her full and welcoming lips, and her silky smooth hair tossed back from the perfect skin of her gorgeous face as she turned back to the stage.
“He’s coming on now!” she enthused, letting go of Jacob’s arm so she could face the stage.
Jacob managed a smile at Morag as the lights dimmed, and The Great Hidouni stepped out onto the stage.
He didn’t look so great to Jacob – in fact he looked like he’d just finished off a large bottle of something alcoholic. Beneath his flowing cape, Jacob could make out that he hadn’t tucked his shirt in properly, and that his trousers probably hadn’t fitted him for a good few years, or at least a good few meals. Hidouni took centre stage and raised his arms, enticing the audience to applaud him, in spite of the fact that he hadn’t actually done anything yet.
“For my first feat of miraculousness,” Hidouni boomed into his mike once the audience had finished applauding him, “I will require a volunteer from the audience.”
Jacob glanced at Morag as she thrust her arm into the air, her ample bosom jiggling as she frantically waved her arm to get Hidouni’s attention.
Jacob sunk down in his seat – he didn’t want to have to watch Morag be made a fool of on stage. Who knew what Hidouni would make her do – this was an adults only show, and Jacob suspected that nudity might be involved. Swallowing his pride and doing something he swore he’d never do, Jacob stood up from his seat, which folded back into the arm rests.
“I volunteer,” he said loudly, hoping that Hidouni would have no choice but to choose him.
The Great Hidouni narrowed his eyes as he gestured towards Jacob, “Come on up,” he said reluctantly, and Jacob stepped towards the stage.
Once he was up there, he knew this was a mistake. Hypnotists were famous for making fools of people, even those that claimed they couldn’t be hypnotised. He look into the audience, the spotlight almost blinding him before he could make out Morag, sat delightedly in the front row, her hands close together and eagerly clapping.
The Great Hidouni placed a hand on Jacob’s shoulder, drawing his attention back to him.
“Please, have a seat,” Hidouni said loudly, then whispered, “You better make this look good.”
Jacob couldn’t help smiling to himself. It sounded as if The Great Hidouni was as unsure of his own powers as Jacob was. Feeling a lot better about his situation, Jacob happily took a seat.
“Now, before we begin,” Hidouni began, “I just want to point out that I do not know this man, nor have i ever met this man,” he turned to Jacob, “We have never met, have we Jacob?”
“I don’t think so,” Jacob replied, then realised that Hidouni had used his name, “Hold on, how did you...”
“Now,” Hidouni said loudly, interrupting Jacob, “I will take my pocket watch and swing it in front of Jacob’s eyes... back and forth... back and forth... back and forth...”
Jacob tried to suppress a yawn, but couldn’t help it,. The audience laughed as he opened his mouth wide, lifting the back of his hand in a belated attempt to stifle the yawn. Hidouni growled quietly.
“Now, when I snap my fingers, Jacob will be under my thrall,” Hidouni smiled slightly, and Jacob felt a little uncomfortable, “On the count of three... one... two... three...”
And he snapped his fingers.
Jacob felt his entire body suddenly go rigid. He didn’t know what had just happened, but he didn’t like it. He couldn’t move from the chair, and all he could see why the side-one profile of The Great Hidouni as he carried on with his show.
“Now,” Hidouni continued, hamming things up for the audience, “I will place suggestions in the mind of young Jacob here. Does anyone have any suggestions?”
“Make him cluck like a chicken,” someone shouted from the audience, always going for the obvious ideas first.
“Make him need to go to the toilet whenever a bell rings,” someone else shouted.
The Great Hidouni leaned in towards Jacob, and said in a slightly quiter voice, “What do you say, Jacob? What should I get you to do?”
Then, in a far quieter, and far more sinister voice, he added, “This will teach you for not giving me that loan.”
Jacob was stunned – The Great Hidouni must have come into his bank at some stage and Jacob had turned him down for a loan. He must have used his real name – Jacob would have remembered a customer called The Great Hidouni!
Hidouni then stood upright and said to the audience, “I like the suggestion about making him urinate when he hears a bell, but let’s make it a little bit...”
“Creepier!” the audience cheered. This was Hidouni’s catchphrase.
“How about, whenever Jacob hears a bell, he smells death. Or, when he sees... I don’t know, a cat... he tastes bile.”
The audience cheered. They ate this stuff up, and Hidouni knew they did. He’d get away with this, no problem.
“When you awaken from your trance,” Hidouni said, once again swinging his pocket watch in Jacob’s face, “You will be compelled to urinate at the sound of any bell.
“Also, when you awaken, at the sight of a cat, you will taste bile in your throat and be compelled to vomit, even if you haven’t eaten anything.
“Now, one the count of three, I will snap my fingers and you will awaken from your trance... one... two... three...”
The Great Hidouni snapped his fingers, and suddenly Jacob could move again.
He leapt from his seat, still remembering everything Hidouni had said, “You won’t get away with this,” Jacob said angrily, but not loud enough for the audience to hear, “Do you hear me, I’ll get the police onto you.”
“For doing what, precisely?” Hidouni asked, just as quietly, “For allowing you to be a part of one of my acts? If you tell them I did this on purpose, I’ll just tell them it’s all part of the show.”
Hidouni walked across the stage, away from Jacob, toward a table he hadn’t noticed before. On the table was a large box and a small bell.
“Don’t do it,” Jacob said, shaking his head, “Don’t you dare.”
Hidouni picked up the bell and rang it gently. Jacob felt his bladder suddenly loosen, and looked down to see urine soaking through his trousers. He glared at Hidouni and started walking towards him with determination.
Uh-uh,” Hidouni put down the bell, shaking his finger with the other hand, “Don’t make me open the box.”
“I’m not afraid of any box,” Jacob said as the audience continued to laugh at him.
“You should be,” Hidouni said, opening the box.
A small kitten peaked it’s cute little head over the opening.
Jacob quickly lifted his hand to his mouth, tasting bile rising in his throat, then turned to one side, vomiting all over the stage. The audience groaned in disgust, but Jacob could still hear their laughter.
“Let’s have a round of applause for Jacob,” The Great Hidouni boomed, gesturing for Jacob to leave the stage. Reluctantly, Jacob walked down the steps and headed back to his seat.
“You were so good,” Morag whispered as he sat down, “I’m so glad you went with the spirit of things and played along.”
“Yeah,” Jacob said, “I played along.”
After the show had ended, Morag suggested they try to go back stage to thank The Great Hidouni.
“He usually lets the people he invited on stage come back to say hello and get their photos taken,” Morag said, “Apparently he also likes to make sure that none of the audience are still effected by his powers. It’s all such a laugh really.”
“Yeah, hilarious,” Jacob said. He knew that The Great Hidouni’s powers were real, but Morag’s suggestion to go back stage was a good one. He had to make sure that whatever hoodoo he’d been put under had finished for good.
They walked backstage, passed lots of theatre workers, and found The Great Hidouni’s dressing room. Jacob knocked gently, but there was no reply.
He knocked again.
Still nothing.
“If you’re looking for The Great Hidouni, he’s already gone,” a stage hand who was passing advised them, “He’s got a gig tomorrow in Edinburgh.”
“Edinburgh?” Jacob repeated, “That’s the other side of the country!”
“What’s wrong?” Morag asked, “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” Jacob lied, “Just... dandy!”
They left the theatre, heading towards the bus stop.
“You’ve been such a sport tonight, Jacob,” Morag smiled, “Why don’t you come back to my place and get cleaned up?”
Jacob’s eyes widened – Morag was inviting him back to her place. Maybe tonight hadn’t been such a waste after all. He smiled, “I’d like that,” he said, as they boarded the bus back to hers.
The bus ride was a disaster, but thankfully Morag didn’t seem to notice. Every time someone rang the bell for their stop, Jacob wet himself. When he knew Morag wasn’t watching, he’d grab the crotch of his trousers and try to wring out some of the excess urine. Hopefully there weren’t any bells in Morag’s bedroom, or she’d thing he had severe problems.
It wasn’t long before he was stood outside Morag’s flat. She opened the door slowly and led Jacob in.
“I had a wonderful time tonight,” she said, kissing Jacob gently on the cheek, “Now, go get freshened up and I’ll see you shortly.”
Jacob headed in the direction of the bathroom and locked the door. He checked his wallet for condoms as he ran the shower and, once the water was the right temperature, he stepped under the flow and washed the taste of vomit out of his mouth and the smell of urine from his legs.
After a while, Jacob towelled himself dry and put on Morag’s bathrobe. There was no way he was going to be able to put those trousers back on, but at least that gave him an excuse for being naked underneath.
He stepped out of the bathroom, searching the house for Morag. It didn’t take long for him to find her, reclined on her bed in a skimpy negligee.
He swallowed nervously.
“Come here,” she said, beckoning him with her finger, “After tonight’s antics you deserve this.”
Jacob couldn’t believe his luck. Slowly he walked towards the bed, smiling as he thought about what was about to happen.
Then he heard the bell.
His bladder opened and urine soaked the floor.
“What was that bell?” he asked, hoping that Morag hadn’t noticed he’d just wet himself.
“Oh, that’s just my cat Mittens,” Morag said, calling out, “Come and say hello, Mittens.”
Morag’s cat leapt up onto the bed, and Jacob locked eyes with it...
...And threw up.
Originally Posted 26/3/2015
Result - Joint 2nd Place
So why was he sitting down in the audience for The Great Hidouni, allegedly the world’s most famous hypnotist?
That’s right, to impress a girl.
“Isn’t this exciting?” Morag said, clinging to Jacob’s arm as they sat patiently in the front row.
“Extremely,” Jacob lied, hoping that something would happen that would mean they had to leave and go somewhere else.
He’d been trying to get Morag to go out with him for almost six months, ever since she first started working with him at the bank, and finally she’d found a window in her schedule and suggested they go and see The Great Hidouni. She was a huge fan, and loved his TV specials, so had always wanted to see him live. She seemed to enjoy the dark humour that he used in his shows, but Jacob just thought he was creepy.
Morag grinned up at Jacob. She was extremely pretty and, apart from the fact that she had such a terrible name as Morag, was just about as perfect a female specimen as Jacob had ever met. Her eyes shone in the dim theatre lighting, her perfect teeth sparkled when they appeared in a brilliant smile behind her full and welcoming lips, and her silky smooth hair tossed back from the perfect skin of her gorgeous face as she turned back to the stage.
“He’s coming on now!” she enthused, letting go of Jacob’s arm so she could face the stage.
Jacob managed a smile at Morag as the lights dimmed, and The Great Hidouni stepped out onto the stage.
He didn’t look so great to Jacob – in fact he looked like he’d just finished off a large bottle of something alcoholic. Beneath his flowing cape, Jacob could make out that he hadn’t tucked his shirt in properly, and that his trousers probably hadn’t fitted him for a good few years, or at least a good few meals. Hidouni took centre stage and raised his arms, enticing the audience to applaud him, in spite of the fact that he hadn’t actually done anything yet.
“For my first feat of miraculousness,” Hidouni boomed into his mike once the audience had finished applauding him, “I will require a volunteer from the audience.”
Jacob glanced at Morag as she thrust her arm into the air, her ample bosom jiggling as she frantically waved her arm to get Hidouni’s attention.
Jacob sunk down in his seat – he didn’t want to have to watch Morag be made a fool of on stage. Who knew what Hidouni would make her do – this was an adults only show, and Jacob suspected that nudity might be involved. Swallowing his pride and doing something he swore he’d never do, Jacob stood up from his seat, which folded back into the arm rests.
“I volunteer,” he said loudly, hoping that Hidouni would have no choice but to choose him.
The Great Hidouni narrowed his eyes as he gestured towards Jacob, “Come on up,” he said reluctantly, and Jacob stepped towards the stage.
Once he was up there, he knew this was a mistake. Hypnotists were famous for making fools of people, even those that claimed they couldn’t be hypnotised. He look into the audience, the spotlight almost blinding him before he could make out Morag, sat delightedly in the front row, her hands close together and eagerly clapping.
The Great Hidouni placed a hand on Jacob’s shoulder, drawing his attention back to him.
“Please, have a seat,” Hidouni said loudly, then whispered, “You better make this look good.”
Jacob couldn’t help smiling to himself. It sounded as if The Great Hidouni was as unsure of his own powers as Jacob was. Feeling a lot better about his situation, Jacob happily took a seat.
“Now, before we begin,” Hidouni began, “I just want to point out that I do not know this man, nor have i ever met this man,” he turned to Jacob, “We have never met, have we Jacob?”
“I don’t think so,” Jacob replied, then realised that Hidouni had used his name, “Hold on, how did you...”
“Now,” Hidouni said loudly, interrupting Jacob, “I will take my pocket watch and swing it in front of Jacob’s eyes... back and forth... back and forth... back and forth...”
Jacob tried to suppress a yawn, but couldn’t help it,. The audience laughed as he opened his mouth wide, lifting the back of his hand in a belated attempt to stifle the yawn. Hidouni growled quietly.
“Now, when I snap my fingers, Jacob will be under my thrall,” Hidouni smiled slightly, and Jacob felt a little uncomfortable, “On the count of three... one... two... three...”
And he snapped his fingers.
Jacob felt his entire body suddenly go rigid. He didn’t know what had just happened, but he didn’t like it. He couldn’t move from the chair, and all he could see why the side-one profile of The Great Hidouni as he carried on with his show.
“Now,” Hidouni continued, hamming things up for the audience, “I will place suggestions in the mind of young Jacob here. Does anyone have any suggestions?”
“Make him cluck like a chicken,” someone shouted from the audience, always going for the obvious ideas first.
“Make him need to go to the toilet whenever a bell rings,” someone else shouted.
The Great Hidouni leaned in towards Jacob, and said in a slightly quiter voice, “What do you say, Jacob? What should I get you to do?”
Then, in a far quieter, and far more sinister voice, he added, “This will teach you for not giving me that loan.”
Jacob was stunned – The Great Hidouni must have come into his bank at some stage and Jacob had turned him down for a loan. He must have used his real name – Jacob would have remembered a customer called The Great Hidouni!
Hidouni then stood upright and said to the audience, “I like the suggestion about making him urinate when he hears a bell, but let’s make it a little bit...”
“Creepier!” the audience cheered. This was Hidouni’s catchphrase.
“How about, whenever Jacob hears a bell, he smells death. Or, when he sees... I don’t know, a cat... he tastes bile.”
The audience cheered. They ate this stuff up, and Hidouni knew they did. He’d get away with this, no problem.
“When you awaken from your trance,” Hidouni said, once again swinging his pocket watch in Jacob’s face, “You will be compelled to urinate at the sound of any bell.
“Also, when you awaken, at the sight of a cat, you will taste bile in your throat and be compelled to vomit, even if you haven’t eaten anything.
“Now, one the count of three, I will snap my fingers and you will awaken from your trance... one... two... three...”
The Great Hidouni snapped his fingers, and suddenly Jacob could move again.
He leapt from his seat, still remembering everything Hidouni had said, “You won’t get away with this,” Jacob said angrily, but not loud enough for the audience to hear, “Do you hear me, I’ll get the police onto you.”
“For doing what, precisely?” Hidouni asked, just as quietly, “For allowing you to be a part of one of my acts? If you tell them I did this on purpose, I’ll just tell them it’s all part of the show.”
Hidouni walked across the stage, away from Jacob, toward a table he hadn’t noticed before. On the table was a large box and a small bell.
“Don’t do it,” Jacob said, shaking his head, “Don’t you dare.”
Hidouni picked up the bell and rang it gently. Jacob felt his bladder suddenly loosen, and looked down to see urine soaking through his trousers. He glared at Hidouni and started walking towards him with determination.
Uh-uh,” Hidouni put down the bell, shaking his finger with the other hand, “Don’t make me open the box.”
“I’m not afraid of any box,” Jacob said as the audience continued to laugh at him.
“You should be,” Hidouni said, opening the box.
A small kitten peaked it’s cute little head over the opening.
Jacob quickly lifted his hand to his mouth, tasting bile rising in his throat, then turned to one side, vomiting all over the stage. The audience groaned in disgust, but Jacob could still hear their laughter.
“Let’s have a round of applause for Jacob,” The Great Hidouni boomed, gesturing for Jacob to leave the stage. Reluctantly, Jacob walked down the steps and headed back to his seat.
“You were so good,” Morag whispered as he sat down, “I’m so glad you went with the spirit of things and played along.”
“Yeah,” Jacob said, “I played along.”
After the show had ended, Morag suggested they try to go back stage to thank The Great Hidouni.
“He usually lets the people he invited on stage come back to say hello and get their photos taken,” Morag said, “Apparently he also likes to make sure that none of the audience are still effected by his powers. It’s all such a laugh really.”
“Yeah, hilarious,” Jacob said. He knew that The Great Hidouni’s powers were real, but Morag’s suggestion to go back stage was a good one. He had to make sure that whatever hoodoo he’d been put under had finished for good.
They walked backstage, passed lots of theatre workers, and found The Great Hidouni’s dressing room. Jacob knocked gently, but there was no reply.
He knocked again.
Still nothing.
“If you’re looking for The Great Hidouni, he’s already gone,” a stage hand who was passing advised them, “He’s got a gig tomorrow in Edinburgh.”
“Edinburgh?” Jacob repeated, “That’s the other side of the country!”
“What’s wrong?” Morag asked, “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” Jacob lied, “Just... dandy!”
They left the theatre, heading towards the bus stop.
“You’ve been such a sport tonight, Jacob,” Morag smiled, “Why don’t you come back to my place and get cleaned up?”
Jacob’s eyes widened – Morag was inviting him back to her place. Maybe tonight hadn’t been such a waste after all. He smiled, “I’d like that,” he said, as they boarded the bus back to hers.
The bus ride was a disaster, but thankfully Morag didn’t seem to notice. Every time someone rang the bell for their stop, Jacob wet himself. When he knew Morag wasn’t watching, he’d grab the crotch of his trousers and try to wring out some of the excess urine. Hopefully there weren’t any bells in Morag’s bedroom, or she’d thing he had severe problems.
It wasn’t long before he was stood outside Morag’s flat. She opened the door slowly and led Jacob in.
“I had a wonderful time tonight,” she said, kissing Jacob gently on the cheek, “Now, go get freshened up and I’ll see you shortly.”
Jacob headed in the direction of the bathroom and locked the door. He checked his wallet for condoms as he ran the shower and, once the water was the right temperature, he stepped under the flow and washed the taste of vomit out of his mouth and the smell of urine from his legs.
After a while, Jacob towelled himself dry and put on Morag’s bathrobe. There was no way he was going to be able to put those trousers back on, but at least that gave him an excuse for being naked underneath.
He stepped out of the bathroom, searching the house for Morag. It didn’t take long for him to find her, reclined on her bed in a skimpy negligee.
He swallowed nervously.
“Come here,” she said, beckoning him with her finger, “After tonight’s antics you deserve this.”
Jacob couldn’t believe his luck. Slowly he walked towards the bed, smiling as he thought about what was about to happen.
Then he heard the bell.
His bladder opened and urine soaked the floor.
“What was that bell?” he asked, hoping that Morag hadn’t noticed he’d just wet himself.
“Oh, that’s just my cat Mittens,” Morag said, calling out, “Come and say hello, Mittens.”
Morag’s cat leapt up onto the bed, and Jacob locked eyes with it...
...And threw up.
Originally Posted 26/3/2015
Result - Joint 2nd Place
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