I had plans to ditch myself and get outside, but goddamn toasters got in the way.
Nothing pressing, beautiful day. I thought I would spend it in the bar. I prefer bars in the day. No crowd, no prancing women or leering men. Just us old drunks and the tv. Sun streaming through the small dirty window.
Out of bed, I thought I’d have toast for breakfast. Last night I baked a loaf of bread and, between you and me, I’m a goddamn good baker. The greatest thing since sliced bread is bread you have to slice yourself, so that’s what I did. I deposited the hunk in my cheap plastic Chinese toaster and waited.
Nothing.
Sometime during the night, the toaster had died. So I shook it, slapped it around, and tried again. It worked for brief second, then died for good. Enraged, I smashed it against the floor, crumbs and bits of plastic everywhere.
Isn’t anything made out of metal anymore?
I went to Someone’s In The Kitchen and looked at their Chinese toasters, then went to Shopko across the street at looked at theirs. They were all the same toaster. Plastic, with too many knobs and settings. Each one had a different brand name but they were all the same toaster.
The great lie of the “free” market.
At home, I went to Ebay and ordered a “vintage” toaster for ten bucks. WORKS! the write-up said. It was made out of metal and simply toasted toast. It had one button: ON/OFF.
I thought back to a week ago to when I was trying to twist out the ice from my cheap plastic Chinese ice tray and all the cubes shattered and flew everywhere, becoming snow essentially. I threw it against the floor, too, and ended up ordering metal ice trays off the internet, ice trays with a handle you pull that pops the cubes out intact.
Do we actually believe our civilization is getting more advanced?
While on the internet looking for real toasters, I discovered there was actually a community out there of people who fucking HATE modern toasters. They get together virtually and bitch about the crappy modern toaster and how its sucks total fucking balls. A whole community! Needless to say, I joined up, choosing Metal Mike as my username.
It’s the same username I used a week ago when I joined the virtual community that fucking HATES the the modern plastic piece-of-shit ice tray.
This is a strange, strange world we live in, people. If you need me, I’ll be at the goddamn bar.
